What is on the other side of fear?

 

So what is on the other side of fear? Safety, security, and just knowing that what was boring yesterday will be still boring the next day. Everyday I wake up and wonder what my life would have been like had I not gotten screwed up in my high school years. I'm currently 43 years old and I keep telling myself that it's not too late to reinvent myself. Yet I honestly wonder if I have the mental capacity to even bother trying. There are various demons I feel that I need to conquer but damn I wonder where to start.

2020 - It's a Wrap

 

The year 2020 has been the year so far that I wish had a hard reset button. Since the death of Kobe Bryant back in January...it just seams this year has been on a downhill roller coaster. I was in a Launch Code class in the beginning of January, was dropped within a few months because I just couldn't keep up. Went on Spring Break at my job on March 13, it became extended due to CoVid-19 outbreak and didn't get back to work until June 8th.

 

I may not be Barbara Walters, but this is 2020

It's the middle of January for the most part. I was originally going to write something on January 1st but.....eh..I'll be honest my mind has been in the biggest fog in a way since November. 2019 was challenging overall but losing one of my best friends really took the wind out of may sails for the rest of the year. Not gonna lie, it has been debilitating to a certain extent.

Habit Forming, Life Changing

Back in December I had a serious coming to Jesus moment with myself. I realized I was in a stage in my life that I wasn't happy and realized that I needed to do something about it. I finally realized that my life wasn't going to change until I started to change things about myself. I talked to a close friend about how I was feeling. I'm not one to who believes in resolutions. I just feel they are just goals that will lead to failure. Just my opinion on it. So I decided I was going to start things differently for myself. I have various issues that I deal with. Finances, Health, and Mentality. They all weave in together and effect each other. 

A fool and her money can be parted but can that fool be reformed?

My relationship with money can be described at best as volatile. My money has always been my "happy place" to get away from how I felt about myself. Hit a depressing point in my life, go buy the latest gadget. Upset about something, go buy food to eat. Not liking how I look, go buy makeup to cover that up. Nothing could help conceal the issues I was dealing with. Spending money was only a temporary fix to a permanent issue. Yet it had gotten to the point that I felt "triggered" whenever I would see something I wanted it would be in my head and couldn't get it out until I bought it. Thinking that "thing" would help me overall feel better about myself and help me get out of the funk that I was continuously in.

Looking back on my life I truly wish there had been classes taught through high school about fiscal responsibility or had searched them out during my first stint at college.

Last day of 2018

Well this evening I'm at home and just finished watching a movie on Netflix, HellRaiser - Judgement. Not bad at all. A lot better than I expected. I went out earlier today with my mom to run some errands. I had told myself earlier this year that I was going to ring in the new year somewhere, but I'm just at home, again, as previous years. The time is about 8:45pm and I'm not sure even where I would go. Do I want to go through the trouble of unbraiding my three strand twist braids in my hair that felt like forever and a day to wash the previous evening?

It's been a minute

How I feel my life is going right now

So a lot has happened since my last post. My photography 2 class just wrapped up this week and oh my hair is purple. This class was by far one of my most challenging but I definitely feel as though I did learn much while taking it. I also just paid off my car loan a few weeks ago but now it's in the shop with over possibly over a grand in repairs. I feel like I can't win for losing at times. Yet I'm trying to remember to be thankful to have resources to be able to handle the issues.

Baby it's cold outside

This weekend has been cold. Nothing new. Yet only in Saint Louis you can appreciate a 30 degrees drop within a few hours. I must say I definitely did enjoy our 3 day weekend. Even with it being cold as heck. Friday evening I went to Gulf Shore and enjoyed a nice dinner. With me trying to learn how to eat more conscientiously it's been a bit of a battle to learn that I don't have to eat everything on my plate and can ask for a box to put the rest to go. The rest of the evening I just chilled at home.

Step by Step

So these past few days I have had a victory. Something I have been putting off for the longest finally came to fruition yesterday. I finally launched my website for my photography business, Stain Colored Thoughts Photography & Design. It was scary as hell getting it together and customizing it. It's not super fancy and in all honesty I don't need it to be at this point at time. I just want to get myself out there. More so out of my comfort zone and let people know that I am available. I'm interesting in a lot of various genres of photography but I figured it's best to just offer what I'm comfortable with while working on the other styles.

Dipping my toes back in.....

Good afternoon to all,

It's been a while since I've been back to actually do a blog and trying to get myself back into the way I used to be about blogging. My mind has been clogged up with so much mess so I'm trying to learn new ways in regards to make my mind relax and not stress out so much. I'm trying to get back into loving me and learning more about what I can do and become.

Happy Birthday Momma!!!

My mom yesterday trying on a Mardi Gras mask at Pier One Imports

What can I say about my mom that I haven't already said before? I was going back and looking at my shoutout to her last year. Nothing has changed. She is still amazing. She is still the best cook I know. I love to hear her laugh. She always has my back. I'm thankful she is still here and I'm grateful that she is my mother.  Happy Birthday and I love you.

2017 - What will this year bring?

Happy belated New Years to you all. 2016 will be remembered in epic proportions for many reasons. A lot more bad than good in my humble opinion, which weighs a lot for me.

This year I have things on my mind that I want to tackle. I don't want to call them resolutions because if I fail them, then I'll feel like a failure in general for not sticking to them.

Thanksgiving 2016

What comes with the tide of a Trump Presidency?

I wrote this earlier on Facebook today:

Yesterday evening I purposely did not watch the election results. I wanted to be able to go to sleep and not have my nerves fry. I woke up a little bit after 1am and thought maybe I just might have a peek into the results. 

Follow your dreams

Last night I decided to go out and study for an upcoming test I have tomorrow in my photography class. Nervous as hell doesn't even begin to cut it. So After studying I decided to go to Texas Roadhouse in Kirkwood, MO. So as usual on a Saturday night the place is jammed packed which is why I grabbed a seat at the bar. Faster service. So as I'm relaxing in my seat, waiting on my food to arrive and taking in a few of the football games that are playing. A lady sits to the right of me and we proceed to strike up a conversation.

Don't mistake Instant Gratification for Long term Happiness

Don't mistake Instant Gratification for Long term Happiness.....this saying popped in my head this morning. I'm not sure why today, but it did. One of my biggest challenges in my life is being happy with myself. I always find some type of fault and then harp on it. Yet what I've come to realize is that if I don't like something about myself, I have to be the one who has to change it. Unfortunately there isn't some easy DIY instructional manual that I can rely on to fix the issues that I have with myself.

No New Resolutions

 So yea, I'm late in saying HAPPY NEW YEAR and all that other pizzazz. A few days before New Years Eve I was wondering to myself what resolutions was I going to make. I then decided I wasn't going to do any because I just seem to disappoint myself every damn year. Do I have goals? Yea I have them but I'm not going to get too crazy with them and drill them into my head. That has been my mistake in the past. Thinking about them over and over again until I was so stressed out when I would fail at them and then feel like a nuclear bomb just went off in my face. Then that would just give me another thing to be depressed about. So I'm going to just try to bring more order to my life and try to give myself a schedule to throughout the week to check in with myself on the things that I want to do.

Happy Anniversary to my Parents

I want to wish my parents a wonderful Happy Anniversary. I can't say enough about my parents. They are honestly a blessing to not only myself but both of my sisters as well as the rest of our extended family. Both of my parents have excelled and persevered with amazing odds stacked against them growing up. They continue to be amazing examples to those in our family and friends alike. Both of them are retired educators that have stressed the importance of having a good education to being the foundation for getting ahead in life and being successful in whatever endeavors you might pursue. To them I want to say thank you for being such a strong foundation for our family and not giving up in believing in me when I had given up on myself. Love you both. Happy Anniversary.

Self Reflect - Week 10/11/15

My mind is shitty. Not to mean I have shit for brains, but more to the point, I have issues remembering what I've done earlier in the week, hell sometimes what I did the day before. So I thought I might try this little exercise that will not only keep me HOPEFULLY on task with writing with my blog but to also keep my mind right. Will I remember everything? Nope! But what I will remember I will try to post.

Sooooooo..... Here we go.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T (The Kiddie Version)

I want you all to know I approve this message. Respect starts at home. Teachers can only do so much in a day of 8 hours, while parents have them the other 16 along with Saturday and Sunday, oh and don't forget holidays and vacations. Parents, If you can't instill respect in your children and make them understand that it carries on into school, you have a problem. I can't even begin to explain the level of disrespect I saw with some students at my previous and at my current job. To the point that I feel some of them need to be snatched up with the quickness. Yet heaven forbid you say something against their child some of the parents give the teachers a harder time than they do their children! I am left bewildered at times because I have to think who is controlling whom?