Woman in the Mirror

Well the first week of 2018 is officially on the books. Have I made resolutions for the new year? Nope. In the past I haven't had much success with them and decided I'm just not going to put pressure on myself like that. Yet I do plan on making changes to myself. I realize that there are things that I need to change. My health, finances, and professional goals are just a few. I'm trying to learn how to slow down and think things through. Last week I decided to really focus on self improvement and awareness.

Self Reflect - Week 10/11/15

My mind is shitty. Not to mean I have shit for brains, but more to the point, I have issues remembering what I've done earlier in the week, hell sometimes what I did the day before. So I thought I might try this little exercise that will not only keep me HOPEFULLY on task with writing with my blog but to also keep my mind right. Will I remember everything? Nope! But what I will remember I will try to post.

Sooooooo..... Here we go.

To Be Priceless

This evening while on STLCC-FLO campus (STL heads know what I'm talking about) I came across this penny. Lord knows it had seen better days but it was facing heads up. Now I'm not the crazy superstitious type. If I see even a penny facing down I'm picking that sucka up. When they say every penny counts, they aren't lying, especially in this economy. As I was holding it in my palm I couldn't help but think how much of a beating it has taken and still it is ar...ound, it still has survived. It still has purpose. While on campus I was thinking about what I've been through and I'm still around. I've taken one hell of a mental and emotional beating and I still have survived. Don't get me wrong, I still have my battles, maybe not every day, but I have them. Yet I'm learning how to fight back. I might be rough around the edges, but I still have purpose.

‪#‎LIFE‬
‪#‎reflection‬
‪#‎motivation‬

(repost from my facebook page)

Goodbye 2013, wonder what is around the bend with 2014

Well this year is coming to a close and there are definitely things that I want to change about myself for the new year. Things that I was doing last year I want to continue into the upcoming year such as continue to lose weight.  I know I gained some with the Christmas holidays so I need to refocus. I'm back in college this upcoming semester. I need to make this my year to shine and find myself. I also plan on pursuing more of my time into learning about photography. It's not going to be my major but I really do want to learn more about it especially since I enjoy taking pictures alot. 

I'm thankful this year I don't have to worry about medical bills from my gallbladder surgery. My insurance took care of everything. So blessed to be feeling a whole lot better. Not 100% yet but feeling around 95%.

That's a lot of money for a gallbladder surgery.

Well 2014 is going to be coming through soon here in the Midwest, in about 5o minutes. Like I said before there are things that I want to change about myself but I don't want to call them resolutions, that just sounds like a temporary fix.  I'm not sure of what I would call it, but I know I don't want it to be temporary. Maybe a work in progress.

I was planning on going out to bring in 2014 but since today was a hair wash day, yea....that plan was nixed in the bud. So I'm bringing in the new year just chillin on my laptop and watching some tv.

So I'll see what 2014 brings.....and hope to make it a better year for myself.

Until the next episode....

 All That MsJazz

Who am I?

I started this particular blog post about a month ago with just the post heading. I then saved it because I really didn't know how to start it off. So for a month I decided to figure out what makes me...me. So I found a notebook and started to list things. Not in any order, just pure randomness. I started to think about things that I enjoy that when I do think about them, they make me smile and wonder, how did they do that.

Then I went through each thing on my list and thought about why I enjoy each item.

Art- As a child I remember an art book collection that my parents have in our house and I would go through them and just be amazed at the pictures. To think someone could make something so beautiful from just a thought in their mind has always amazed me with artists. The art books were categorized by famous painters. There were certain books that I enjoyed looking at the pictures numerous times. Artwork by Leonard, Raphael, Michelangelo, Donatello and Van Gogh were my top favorites. Which is also probably why I enjoy the Teenage Mutant Nina Turtles so much. I can go the Art Museum here in Saint Louis and just walk around for hours. As much as I enjoy art I also enjoy learning the history behind the items that were painted or made.

Fashion- It might surprise some folks but I love fashion. I like how people can just pull off an outfit and be confident in their style especially if it is not the norm. For me I especially love accessories such as scarves, and fashionable eye-wear (prescriptive and non-prescriptive). I also love shoes as well. High heels, platforms, sandals, tennis shoes, and boots, the list can go on and on. I think shoes are the item that finish an outfit. They decide if you are dressing up or dressing down. If I could just dress in long tank tops and maxi skirts all day long, I probably would. This past year there is a lady by the name of Mimi who has a website and she makes her own clothing and I have been fascinated with the idea.

Jewelry- My love for jewelry is probably a sight to behold. I love all kinds of jewelry. Vintage Rings, Tribal Earrings, unique handmade necklaces, and funky bracelets are just a few examples of what are in my impressive collection. If it is unusual and it "calls" to me, then I want it. I've had a love affair for jewelry since the early 2000's. I've been thinking about possibly taking some classes to learn about jewelry making. There is a place in the Delmar Loop called Craft Alliance that teaches classes various classes from using clay to learning about graphic software.

Photography- Sometimes I think I acquired my love for picture taking from my Aunt Alice. I love to take pictures. Whether with my cellphone or with my Sony DSC-H9. I love watching people interact with other people, nature, or what ever may be around. I only wish I knew how to use advance graphic software to enhance my pictures and learning about what a camera can REALLY in regards all the options and settings on my camera and on DSLR cameras.

Computers- I love computers. I love computers. I love computers! I love the hardware in regards to what it looks like and what it does. I love the software especially (gaming and graphic art design.) I thought at one time I was going to be a programmer until reality set in. I took a Programming language class and I just couldn't understand it. I literally broke my heart. I thought I was just too dumb to understand it and felt like a failure. Talk about self-esteem taking a plummet. So I still enjoy computers but I realized that programming unfortunately is not in the cards for me.

Graphic Design - I am amazed at the artwork can create or further develop with graphic software. I really am impressed how photographers use graphic design software to further enhance their pictures. I love how people use this type of software to create attractive websites. I know eventually I will want to do a major upgrade on my blog. I just wonder how people pull such amazing creative ideas and transfer them to a computer or paper.

Blogging- I love to write. I think the main reason I started this blog was get things out of my head. Sometimes I would have stuff just going none stop in my head and I couldn't seem to get them out. Writing helped to alleviate the problem. Not totally cure of the problem but it has helped. I also enjoy blogging because I document all types of stuff that I go through. My life, my hair, just anything that I might want to recall. Hell others I wish I hadn't done. I can't believe how old my blog is. It's one of the few things that I am proud of.

Traveling- Going around this world and experience different cultures has also been something else I've wanted to do. I remember seeing a movie back in the day called Wild Orchid and I tell you, I wanted to go to Brazil SO bad. Heck I still want to. I want to be up close with the Eiffel Tower, touch the Pyramids in Egypt and also experience the various other cultures that are around the world. 

Mass Communications - I like TV and Radio. I think on the TV I enjoy how crews are able to travel and film all over the world. Heck sometimes I wonder if I could have been an actress.  I also love watching news stories such as 60 minutes and even Real Sports on HBO. I love how journalists put together such interesting stories. With radio I enjoy the conversations that the radio dj's have but that's the extent of my interests with that.


Animation - I love cartoons. Love them! I also enjoy reading and watching Manga. I also enjoy the various animated movies. I think I honestly enjoy anime overall more than real movies. I am fascinated by how people can draw things from their imagination and bring them to life.


Video Games - Now anyone that knows me, knows that I am  HUGE gamer ever since the  original Nintendo. I've always loved playing video games. The way people can develop characters and story lines are just unbelievable. As the years have gone by to see how far games have come to looking almost realistic. 


So I'm back in school starting January 2014. I'm taking some elective courses, which will give me some time to really figure out what I want to do. I'm thinking about Public Relations and I've talked to someone in the field. I really enjoy technology and fashion, but I realized that I if I really pursue this that I might need to move someplace that really has a high job market for employment in this area. I don't see Saint Louis being strong for either choice. I'm still doing some more research on it. Sometimes I wonder if it's "too late" to really find yourself and start all over again. But I guess it's only too late once you are dead.


Until the next episode....

 All That MsJazz

When you need a friend

This past weekend was pretty good but busy. I went to an amazing Health seminar hosted by former radio DJ Selena J with main speaker +Shawn Stevenson . The seminar was from 9am to 2pm and I tell ya I enjoyed every bit of it. There were various vendors there and even saw a friend of mine there, +Carlos Nelson and we sat together listening and taking in the stories and lessons. Heck I even won a prize and had my picture taken with Selena J as well:) In fact yesterday I downloaded all of Shawn's podcasts and plan on listening to them this week.

 

 On Sunday I grilled up some ribs, pork steaks, chicken, and hotdogs for Labor Day. Afterwards I was busy doing stuff around the house and pretty much stayed in for the day. Then on Labor Day I was a hermit and stayed in, wasn't feeling too hot so I didn't venture out at all.

Yesterday around 4pm I received a phone call from one of my best friends. We talked for a good 30 minutes about me and I tell you it brought tears to my eyes because I told her how I was doing and feeling. She told me that I was smart and I needed to step out on my own and take chances. She's right but I get so frustrated because I get so clouded up with doubt and fear. I feel at times I am my own worse enemy. I see worst cast scenarios in my head.

She told me how much she admired me and I thought, How and Why.  When she told me the reasons it made my knees buckle and I just sat on the edge of my bed and cried some more. I wondered how is it other people see so much in me that I can't seem to see in myself. After we said our goodbyes I turned off everything in my room. My tv, laptop, even my lights, anything that would be distraction and just laid out on my bed and stared at the ceiling. 

I tried to think back through the years, looking at all my mistakes. Then I stopped and wondered why do I always keep looking back. That time is gone and I can't get it back. I have to look at the future because I still have time to carve out what I want. I get angry from time to time because I feel at my age that I should be successful with my own. Yet I look where I am and I just feel defeated. A friend of mine once told me, The only time it's too late is when you are dead. So I guess I better start living, because Lord knows I am sick and tired of just existing.

Until the next episode....

 All That MsJazz

The Last Day of my Summer Vacation

Well it's official. This evening marks my last day of freedom enjoying my summer vacation. Tomorrow I am back to work to start the 2013-14 school year. This July wasn't the jump start that I wanted it to be in regards to a different me. I mainly took this time to just veg aka blank the hell out. I got in a few walks here and there but no gym time... My mind has been a heavy mush as I try to figure out and prioritize what I want to accomplish for this upcoming year.

Hell if I can go to work tomorrow and just not zone out I will call it a big accomplishment. I know I will need to go into an automatic zone just get things ready for the registration days.... I should be ok though, hopefully I haven't forgotten my passwords to my cpu..

Well tomorrow is August 1st and who knows maybe it will be a new beginning for me besides returning back to work. 

But until  midnight strikes......

 


Until the next episode....

 All That MsJazz

On my mind

One more day and I am on my summer vacation!!! That's all I can think to myself. One more day and I can just relax and just do nothing. At least for a little while. Time to myself to just chill out for a month and figure out what I want to do. I really have been neglecting my blog for this month. I took pictures of the Susan Komen race and a Natural Hair show that was held in the Delmar Loop a few weeks ago and I STILL haven't uploaded those pics yet. My mind has just been in a severe funk as of lately. Hopefully I can draw myself out of it by July.


Until the next episode....

 All That MsJazz

When the Porceleon God pays a visit, you better damn well stoop over and listen.

*Might be considered a tad bit graphic SO read at your own risk, you've been warned*


Yesterday was a normal day for me just like any other. I went to work and put in my 8 hours just like any other day. I even decided to order out with  a coworker and we decided on some Italian food for lunch around 11am. She a salad, myself some pasta. After work I went to the McDonalds near my hourse to get something to eat which was around 5pm and then hit up the Walgreens next door to pick up a Mother's Day card.

At this time I was feeling my normal self. Nothing out of the usual and then within 30-45 minutes of being home my stomach starts to cramp. I mean cramp so bad it felt as though someone had their hands on my intestines and just were squeezing, it also didn't help that I was feeling a slight tightness in my chest as well. I tried laying down to see if I could wait for the pain to pass by but that didn't help. I was up walking around in my room massaging my stomach because this pain was just unheard of for me to be experiencing.

Eventually I make my way to the master bathroom and just near the tub wondering what the hell is going on. I kept thinking ok my stomach is about to do something so I better be within the vicinity of a toilet just in case.  I tell ya at this point my face was red, my hands were shaking and my body was just driving me crazy. So I decided I was going to just induce vomiting to see if that would help.

So eventually it starts and I"m thinking ok one good try and I should be ok. NOPE It keeps coming to the point that a nerve is starting to pinch in my forehead and as I'm spitting up I'm even seeing some small traces of blood. Talk about pain. I was crying and just kneeling in front of the toilet thinking, "Please God just get me through this". I wasn't sure if it was something bad from McDonald's or heck maybe a sign from God that I need to get my butt back in gear.

After a while, I had enough strength to go back to my room and I decided I needed take some Aleve and drink some orange juice. Within 20 minutes of taking the medicine and laying down, I barely made it back to the restroom and again had ANOTHER episode. By this time I swore I was able to talk to the spirits.

I eventually get back to my room and lay back down and within 15 minutes I was knocked out and slept for 5 hours. I woke up late around 11:30pm and was taking a physical assessment of myself. My stomach pains were gone and the sharp pain in my head was gone. I couldn't figure out what in the world happened and chalked it up to something bad that I ate at McDonalds.

So today while at work I was relaying the story to two of my coworkers and they asked me how I had been eating before. I told them mainly veggies and meat for a while, every now and then something else maybe from a fast food place. So one of them thought my stomach might have rejected the fast food this time around. I told them that bout of pain I went through last night really scared me. I made sure to bring my lunch today and had broccoli and corn. Hell before I went to work I stopped by Schnucks and picked up some oatmeal packets and decided to seriously get back to eating healthy and working out.

It was so weird, yesterday (while on my lunch break) I had been looking at sport watches. I had been looking into buying one for the past 2 years but never could decide on which one. I was looking at Polars and some other companies and I decided yesterday and purchased a Polar Men's Sport Watch FT7. Retail price for this watch is $117, but you know I'm to savvy to pay full price;)

Polar Watch FT7

 
I already used Endomondo to track my fitness (when I would get up to do something)  but I needed something to let me know my heart rate and calorie burn. After doing some research and chatting with a Polar representative, I decided this watch would work the best for me.

Now I need to decide if I'm going to stick with my current gym. I hadn't been there in a while because it was killing me in gas but I do love the layout of the gym and the classes. So really need to decide is it worth it for me to still stick it out and go or try to find something else closer to the job? I've already looked and right now, prospects as far as finding another gym as much as I like my current one, not looking to good. I have gotten back into my walking but I know I need to really get back into an active routine.

Also after work yesterday I had to take the Nutribullet I bought back last September back to Best Buy to do an exchange because it was acting psycho so I have to wait for a new one to be shipped to the location near my job so I can pick it up and get back to making my health drinks.

All day today I mainly thought about that painful and frightful episode last night. I honestly thought I was going to die in that bathroom and be remembered as the girl who crapped out and bit the dust while talking to a toilet. Looks like I was given another chance to change.

 

Until the next episode....

 All That MsJazz

As my Winter Break comes to a close, a new beginning is in the horizon

This Winter Break has been nothing short of exciting and relaxing. I've had time to chill from Dec. 22nd @ 1pm and will not be returning back to grinding at the job until THIS Friday @ 8am. This year has had its ups and downs. I'm still trying to find myself. Nothing new there. During this break I caught up on some self-empowerment reading on various things. 

A day to myself...physically and mentally

You ever feel like you need a day off? Well I did and took one off this past Thursday. I was looking forward to it and had packed an overnight bag to stay at a hotel so I could just chill out and relax. Thursday morning I checked into my spot and got myself comfortable but that was short lived. The toilet had flooded over and had made a mini pool in the bathroom. So I had to call the front desk and move to another room. So after making the switch up and testing out the new facilities I finally settled down again.

The writing might be on the wall, but damn if the podcast ain't on the internet

 

I'm your Conscience (Jamie Foxx's voice): Knock knock....

Heart: Who's there?

I'm your Conscience: It's your conscience, and we need to have a talk.

Heart: I'm busy right now

I'm your Conscience: You've been busy for the past 20 years..I've waited long enough.

Starting over.....

Well last Saturday I went to my old gym and worked out for a hour on various machines and yesterday I did a zumba class. I had not been to that gym in almost a year. Within that same time frame I had tried other things such as boxing last year that I loved but had to let go because of conflicts with other things. Within that same time frame I gained back all the weight I lost as well as accumulated more. I forgot all my good eating habits and my always constant battle with depression had escalated.

The Lord might work in mysterious ways but even those signals can come across being mixed.

Do you ever feel as though sometimes people are put in your path for a reason? Some might be put in your way as a test to discourage while others are placed there to encourage? Well last night after studying for a while, I decided to go to the Chick-fil-a resturant that was about 10 minutes away because I was craving a large Lemonade. Which I might add the only place that can even consider matching their lemonades are from Penn Station. While I was there just pecking away at my phone an older gentleman who is sitting right across from me, strikes up a conversation. We talk about how crazy the weather is, looking forward to the summertime, our occupations and personal interests. After a while he informs me of a website that I am surprised I have never heard about called Khan Academy. If you know what I'm talking about then you know how this website has really helped students with their homework in various subjects, if you haven't, Check it out!

Afterwards he asked me what I wanted to do, what were my interests. I told him about my passion for technology, socializing with others, especially with kids. There is something about interacting with kids and seeing their faces light up when they are speaking about a subject that is really cool to me. I love when my students come into the office at my job and they say good morning, ask me how I'm doing, and ask what is the latest video game I'm playing. He listens to me and he gives me some suggestions in regards to possible degrees I might look into because I told him even though I'm going for a communications degree, I'm not sure if it's really will fit with what I would like to do, of course problem is I still am not sure what exactly it is I want to do. I know what i have strong interests are but to implement them into something attainable. That is where the big question mark comes into play.

Sometimes, hell alot of times, I get discouraged because I look at myself and I still am wondering why is it taking so long to find myself. I always think I should have had myself together 10 years ago. Graduated middle school (check) graduated high school (check) graduate college (still getting to the mountain top). I try to take time out and fill out questionnaires, talk to school counselors, to friends, and family. Yet I still end up at the same place, back to the beginning with nothing have improved. I get so angry because even with me back in school, I still am confused that I don' t know where  I am going. Yet the thing that scares me the most is that sometimes I feel that I was never meant to go anywhere. It feels as though I am standing still and everything and everyone else has passed me by.

It's frustrating when people say, "you are intelligent and can do anything", I don't want to do just anything. I want to do something that I will enjoy, but if I can't even figure out what THAT is, then I'm right back to square one. Sometimes I wish God would give out GPS systems for those who do not have a clue where to go with their lives, because at this point I would need the one with an extra large color screen, car charger, lifetime download for maps, and lifetime warranty. Then when it says "Your destination is right in front of you" I can say, I finally have arrived.

Me - a work in progress

Well today I officially closed out my first school year at my new job. Must say I'm very proud of myself but that is not all I have to be thankful for. This year has been a serious eye opener. I was able to rekindle a friendship with a best friend I hadn't spoken with over a year and half. Furthermore I had to REALLY re-evaluate a (questionable friendship/on/off relationship/somewhat acquaintance) with someone else earlier this week. (The part at 3:55 of the video link is a personal fav.) Yet I realized love is a strong emotion, but self respect is so much stronger.

I've gone back to the gym working out, trying to get back on my healthy lifestyle and really sticking with it. I still have my Zumba on Monday and Wednesday. PiYo on Wednesday. I highly recommend people if you have not taken a "peaceful" class which is what I consider Pilates, Yoga, and PiYo to be, then look into them. It not only helps your body but it helps you to relax your mind as well. I'm also working weights throughout the week as well. Yet what I really miss is my boxing, hoping to get back into that this summer;)

I've had a lot on my mind this year and even sought the assistance of a specialist to help me deal with issues. You know what? I'm not ashamed to say that either. No one is perfect and sometimes you need an opinion of someone else that really doesn't know you. I can say its helped big time and help me with dealing with issues that I've had on the back burner for quite some time. Yet I still think I'm a work in progress;)

Looking forward to this year, with one of my best friends due to come into town this July, have another best friend who will be a first-time mom this fall, overall just looking forward to kicking with my friends and just having fun;) I've kept myself busy with activities from work as well as personal commitments. I volunteered this June for the Susan Komen Walk for the Cure and this year marked my 5th with being involved. I plan on signing up for the Sista Strut this October.

I'm looking into other possibilities as well for this year. I've been thinking about getting back into college this year(MAYBE) or wait until January. STILL can't decide on a major, big issue. Jack of so many trades yet a master of none strongly applies to me.  Yet I learned what I decide to do it is MY decision, I don't need approval from anyone else. I've learned a lot about myself and finally realized the only person's opinion that should matter to me is my own. I can't please everyone and I'm not going to try. I'm at a point that I'm sick and tired of people talking at me instead of to me. I'm ready to change my life. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change things but overall when I think about it, I'm glad for a few reasons that I can't.

Another change I want to make is getting back into my blogging on a regular basis. I've had this blog for quite some time, since August 2005. Its been therapeutic when I've needed it and I realized for me it's helped me get out my thoughts when they are "jumbled" in my head. So it needs to be revamped ASAP. lol
Well, anyway just wanted to give a quick update to myself and all I can say is:

A day in retrospect

1. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

2. “Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people”

3. “Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.”

Eleanor Roosevelt quotes


As I sit up in bed I think about my day today. Currently I'm listening to Joe Sample's "Living in the Blue", a smooth mellow Jazz piece that would put any person's mind at peace. Today I woke up to thunderstorm clouds moving across the skies. They had yet to release their frustrations onto the rooftops of the houses in my neighborhood. My father needed to drop off one of our cars up at the shop so I tailed him and brought him back home.

I came back home and got dressed, made my morning low carb drink, packed up my laptop and made it to work. Just made it in time before the rains finally started to making their debut for the day. While there today, I'm on the web lookin at the different job internet sites. I've looked at so many it seems as though they are blending in together. About noon I take a lunch and leave the school, thinking about the last few weeks I have at the high school. I get back to the school at chill out in the staff lounge. Speaking with coworkers until the 2:30 pm bell rings.

After work I go up to UMSL and drop off some financial aid forms. As I'm walkin through the Millennium Center, I see a young lady with her cap and gown smiling wildly and running for the doors. I pause and look her and wonder honestly if I will ever witness something like that for myself. I shake off my doubt head to the top level via escalator, drop off my forms and then make my way home.

At home, I relax before I go to my zumba and boxing classes. When the time arrives I go to my zumba class, excited and ready to put in some work. Then I dash off to boxing classes and I let a rip into the trainer and his punching gear, just replayin my day and all the doubts that have started to creep up on me. With every punch I feel it startin to recede and by the time I'm done, I can literally feel my fears being release through the torrential sweat that is coming off my body and being wiped away by my shirt and boxing gloves. I'm tired yet I feel great.

I finish off the evening by going to Schnucks, off of Olive near the Delmar Loop and pick up some items for my mom and then bring them home. I'm praying for some more rain. You'd be amazed how much one can find reflection in mother nature.


While watching a movie on tv this evening, somebody had said quote 1 at the beginning of my blog. I looked it up and saw that Eleanor Roosevelt was the originator. I thought about if for a few minutes and thought it is true. Nobody can make you feel the way you do without you granting permission.

So after I googled the 1st quote, I saw that she had some other quotes that caught my eye, hence quotes 2 and 3. I thought of quote 2 and thought, damn this is somethin else. It's nice to have intellectual convo's with people. Yet you will run into people who wanna put your name in the gutter. Especially people who say they know you when in truth they don't know the real deal. Reality is a bitch somedays. Quote 3, now there is an eye opener. It states its okay to be who you are, even if you are weird and unique as I am. Some people get me and understand how I am. Others have tried and failed. I'm not changing to kiss anyone's ass, so if you don't like what you see, then simply be gone and take your sensitive ass someplace and ponder under a big ass tree until lightening strikes that bitch down.

Life is not a box of chocolates, if that was the case I would be eating coconut clusters out the ass and be happy as hell. Life is about ups and downs and Lord knows I have had my share of them, I've learned from MOST of them. But what I will no longer deal with are OTHER'S people's ups and downs and then try to blame their issues on me. I've had to come to terms about myself and I'm trying to fix the issues as they come along. If you feel I'm a downer to your life, then keep my name out of your life via mind and sound. I guarantee you it has worked for me.

Wow....I guess that boxing today did alot more than just give me a physical workout today.

A time to change

As 2008 comes to a close i wonder back on this year and myself as well. I was tired working 2 jobs. Notice I said 2 jobs not a career. So this past Sunday I was told by management at job #2 (Best Buy) that unfortunately my availability would no longer work for them and I needed to open it up some more. Well I had been thinking about making some serious changes for 2009 and working at Best Buy had been on the chopping block for some time.

There were different issues I was having in regards to my decisions.

1. I was tired working 2 jobs and not getting any sense of a vacation. It was working job #1 Monday thru Friday followed by job #2 on the Weekends. This Xmas break is the first vacation I've really had since August. Do you realize how long that is? hell not even Thanxgiving break was a break for me because I had to work Black Friday and that Saturday and Sunday. I put in close to 30 hours in those 3 days and had be back at work that Monday at my main job. It really kicked my ass this year.

2. My health. I've been workin at job #2 for close to 9 years. My weight had seriously ballooned over the years to the point that I really needed to get it under control. When I first started at Best Buy I was wearing XL shirts now that I'm leaving I wear XXXL shirts. My legs would be in pain by the time I would leave work and it would be a trial just to get out of my car and into the house. I would sometimes have to soak in the tub just relax my muscles. So this October I was finally like enough is enough. So that was when I joined The Boxing Gym in CWE (Central West End). I had been with 24 Hour Fitness yet I wasn't happy there because it was just a big ass gym and I was constantly reminded that I was there to try to lose weight. I wasn't having any fun. So I had been lookin at different boxing gyms in the area because I needed something that would help me relieve stress, be fun, and get my competitive spirit going again.

Also in November I had a severe cold that damaged my vocal chords and I went to a throat doctor and he said I needed to get on medication and seriously cut back on talking, singing, pretty much anything to do with my voice. So I took into consideration that I work 7 days a week and there wouldn't be a way to give my voice a break so something was eventually going have to give.

3. Social Life. I don't have one anymore. I used to be able to go out with my best friends and we would relax with dinner and drinks. I'm so tired I go home after work unless I go the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I go to sleep and most time don't wake up until Midnight. that's how exhausted I am. So now that I will be done with Best buy on Jan. 10th I will finally have my weekends back and hope to kick it with my friends like I used to. Not to mention it would be nice to get back into the dating game. I'm so long overdue. lol


4. My education. I have been wanting to really finish up college for quite sometime. I want a career not a job. A former co-worker of mine came in about 3 weeks ago and he told me he had finally quite Best Buy after being with the company for over 10 years. He said he had finished college and was starting a new job more geared to his degree, NOT RETAIL, and with better hours and pay. He just got married and was expecting a baby real soon. He asked me when I was going to get back and finally finish up. He said finish up your degree so when you go to Best Buy in the future you won't need to worry about a store discount. Our conversation really made me think about what I want for myself. I do want something better for myself.

So when I signed my separation papers this past Sunday I was sad because I would be leaving an extended family that I known so well for close to 9 years. Yet I knew it was my time. I needed to move on with my life and finally do something with it. I want my own.

So with the coming of a new year I hope to be more focused, determined, and successful.

what love is....

Sometimes I wonder....no lets redo this....I always wonder about my life if I had done things differently. Lets say there is someone that your always thinking about and still love deeply but you both haven't talked in a while. I mean a really long time because of circumstances that happened a while back. You've known this person for a long time and your paths seem to cross from time to time.

Yet out of the blue they contact you and let you know things they feel about you. Yet after reading the message over and over again you wonder why they are contacting you now. You get together with that person one evening and meet up and when you look at them it's as though time hasn't passed in a way. You still get that same funny feeling in your gut, you get a little light-headed, your skin gets those little goosebumps with heat, and you just itch with ache to touch them. there like a drug (for lack of a better terminology) and withdrawal is a bitch when you've gone without for such a long time.

After talking with them from time to time which is measured more in days than in hours, you come to realize that most likely the life he has made for himself is quite permanent. Most likely there aren't anymore chances for you both. You still hold out hope but in the end it still comes back to where the ways things are in reality. Your analizye it from every angle possible and it keeps coming back at a crossroads. Do you hold out or do you move on?

Some people might say hold out you never know if the tide might turn. Others say move on enough time has passed and if things were going to end the way you wanted them to, it should have happened by now. Both possibilites hold weight, but sometimes I cry to myself and think, damn life can just be bitch. Sometimes I think should I stick it out and fight for what I want or just walk away and say it was a good time while it lasted even with all the bumps in the road.

I do know regardless of my decision there is one main thing I have learned about love......
Love is caring about someone so much that even if you love them with all your heart, even if they don't end up with you....you want them to be happy regardless.

That I can say is probably the hardest lesson I've learned so far.....