May 25, 2009

Chili cook off (old joke but a goodie)

Chili cook off (old joke but a goodie)
Subject: Chili Cook Off

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
your cheeks, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to
read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted".

Here are the score cards from the event:

Chili # 1
Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy F*#% , what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2
Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3
Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
Judge # 2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located an uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Getme more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting Sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.

Chili # 4
Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. Barmaid
is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5
Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those red necks.

Chili # 6
Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 I Sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7
Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like
Sh*t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8
Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?

anger management (joke)

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked,
"Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed
over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

May 19, 2009

the nightmare that is my car

Okay so today is Tuesday. That's right Tuesday, my car has been in the shop since last Monday. So I decide to call up to my mechanic to see if it's ready's been a week. He gives me the good news that it's finally done and once work was over (and I'm NOT even gonna go into the day that I had at work) I could come through and pick it up. Well mom comes thru at 2:30pm to pick me up. She takes me to the mechanic to get my ride and I decide to take it out for a spin instead of going home.

So I get on the highway and make my way to the Saint Louis Mills. I felt something wasn't right with the car when I left the mechanic lot. I just know how my car is suppose to ride and it just didn't feel sure of its self. So as I'm on the highway I could tell that I had to give it extra push on the pedal just to accelerate and I was getting up in speed as quickly as I was used to.

So I finally get to the Mills and once I get to the Red light before turning into the parking lot, my car dies. Right before it happened though I noticed the oil light had come on. So I am able to start the car up again and make it to the parking lot. But not before it stopped again at the stop sign right before turning INTO THE PARKING LOT!!!!!!!!!!1

So I call my mom and inform her of the dilema. I told her I would make my way back to the mechanic and give her a call once I was within close range. Well I go to the bookstore and chillout for a minute contemplating if I should take the highway again or just side streets. So about an 30 minutes later I leave and I get in my car. It definitely isn't feeling right so as soon as i get to a red stop light. Do you know what happens??????????? Yep the car dies. So I'm like PHUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gather my wits and I decide to just take side streets to get home. So I make my way to Bridgeton Best Buy and stop there to checkout somethings. Leave there and continue up St. charles rock rd. I notice everytime i have to stop the car dies.....So I make the nutzy decision to get back on the highway and try my luck to get back to my mechanic since he is off of North Hanley and Natural Bridge.

Well everything is going alright until I hit some bad track ON THE HIGHWAY, soooo I had to slow down.....soooooo I eventually had to stop...... soooooooo the car eventually went dead. Over 10 times while the traffic on the highway was crawling at a snail pace. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I eventually get to the Natural Bridge exit and decide to just it all the way up to North Hanley.

That decision....definitely was a sticky situation. To start off not only did I have to combat the red lights but I also had to deal with the traffic that ALSO had decided to get off from the highway. So after cutting of an ADDITIONAL 5 more times I made it back to the mechanic and gave him the keys and told him it wasn't fixed yet.

By that time my mom had just gotten up there and after I relayed back the story to her, she said, Damn. So my plans for this evening are shot. I had planned to go to the UMSL Library on North Campus and study for my Spanish class but now I'll just have to do it at home. Man this sure does suck....

my my what a cold I have

Okay so last night, I was so damn congested I had to rub Vicks Vapor Rub under my nose AND on my chest. Not a sexy feeling I assure you...But it did help me to sleep last night. Not feeling that much better but I'm trying to stick it out. So this morning I still have same issues so I put a dab below my nose again, to help out. So mix that in with a headache and having Spanish homework due tomorrow. YEAH (being really sarcastic here) Oh and I still don't have my car I'm gonna go phucking nuts if I don't get my wheels back TODAY!!!! This has definitely started to intefere with my social life, which little one I have.

May 18, 2009

Spanish 101 AKA what da hell?

Well I had my first Spanish class for summer school today. It was 3 hours and 15 minutes long....Which means our Professor let us out 15 minutes early. He is really cool and funny and I swear he must be my age. He looks to be in his mid 30's.

He informed us that we are NOT allowed to speak English while in class EVER!!! So if we have a question we have to ask in to say the word. So yea....I'm thinking about getting a temporary tat that says "so phucked" and have it put across my forehead.

This class is for 5 weeks, 3 days out of the week (Mon, Wed, and Thurs.) and worth 5 credits. Oh why couldn't I have had a spanish boyfriend or ex for that matter that could have taught me something. Oh well..pray for me..and if you know spanish like HELLA great!!! do me one better and TUTOR me!!!

May 14, 2009

Anti-Bullying- My story

Today started off as a normal work day with the laughing and joking around with my students and co-workers. Yet Later on that day an incident went down and after talking with one student in regards to the situation I decided to have what they called an Anti-Bullying intervention meeting. It dealt with about 20 students and I felt that it needed to be handled as soon as possible so there wouldn't be any more serious issues in the future

I couldn't help but remember when I was in high school and I was bullied for over 3 years. It made me think about what I went through and how unfortunately it shaped my life. So during the intervention meeting, the students in question had to do some role playing and also talk with some older students in regards to why they were having issue and beefing the way they were.

I told them about my situation and how I was unfairly judged by other students of my school. I told them if they think it's hard now being in groups against each other not liking and talking about someone. Imagine how it feels being the sole target of over 30+ people over a 3 1/2 period. How it felt when you did go to someone in authority and they shoot you down telling you, "Girls will be girls". I had to go to a school and worry every morning how was I gonna avoid "the lynching mob". I dealt with this problem from my freshman all the way to my junior year. When I finally met the breaking point i went home to my mom and told her I wasn't going back to that school.

So she took off the next day from work and escorted me to school the next day. when we came through the door and were in the lobby, 2 main student I had issues with from the graduating class behind us, made some inappropriate comments to mom and I. Well, my mom is from the south and she had some words for them. We had a sit down with the Vice-Principal and I informed her of the situation. She pulled out a buzz book and told me to circle all the names involved. By the time I was done I think there only 15 or so names not involved.

I told the Vice-Principal that this all started back when I was a freshman and I could recall that the Senior that was suppose to be my big sister, didn't want me. Then the second person who was picked to be my big sister also rejected me as well. So the only way I was actually able to get a big sister was when one of my friends asked their big sister to take me on.

So while I'm reminiscing about my past to my students I inform them that what made this really sad was that all the girls that had issues with me were black. Not one white person was in that group that made my life a hell that whole time. They would make fun of the way I looked, what I wore, anything to make me feel bad about myself. I had to deal with some of them in my classes. Having to deal with their stupidity and their ignorance. It effected me so bad that when i first started school there I was an A and B student by the time I graduated I was happy with barely passing my classes with C and D's.

I hated going to lunch because I knew I had to see them and get teased by them. What really made it hard was that whenever I moved up a grade they would inform the new incoming freshman class about me and they would make it their business to make my life miserable as well. My self-esteem had been torn to new low levels because of them. It was because of them I never wanted to reach out to other black people, especially females. I didn't think I could trust them and kept close to my white friends.

I remember one incident when my boyfriend at the time escorted me to school and he saw that some of the black girls were at the doors teasing me. I tried my best to ignore them and he even offered to walk me into the school but I didn't want him to be late for school. I was so close to tears but I refused to let them see them.

So after explaining to my Vice-Principal about the problem she just looked at me and couldn't understand how I had dealt with such pressure for such a long time. All I could do was shrug my shoulders and cry. So the following day, I noticed a big change, none of the girls in question were harrasing me anymore and the same counselor who had ignored me the first time, informs me that she has set up a meeting with the two black female ringleaders from my class. When we finally sat down I asked them one question that had been burning at me for year.....WHY? What did I ever do to you to deserve the treatment I have received from you since freshman year.

You want to know what they said??? Because you always would be hanging out with the white girls. I looked at them in shock and thought to myself, "I can't believe I ever wanted to be friends with these idiots." I informed that 2 of those "white girls" happen to be classmates of mine from my previous school and I had known them since KINDERGARTEN. Why in the world would I need to get rid of my white friends to make friends with the black girls? Why couldn't I have both? They did. So why should I have been treated differently.

Ever since then, things were somewhat normal. They tried to invite me out to do things with them, but deep down I knew I wouldn't ever be comfortable being around them. Now some of them believe it or not, I do consider associates, maybe not friends, but I don't see them in a negative light anymore. But the others....The ones who were suppose to be my Big sisters as well as some of the other black classmates...., the one's in my graduating class and even some of the those in the class that graduated before me......I wouldn't give them second glance. I know deep down I would never be able trust them and point blank I don't deal with two-face devils.

Even now I will see some of them out from time to time and I know they see me and they will take those second looks as though they are making sure their eyesight is not deceiving. I just shake my head and keep walking. I really crack up when I get the letters in the mail from my former high school asking for money and contributions. I just glance at it and put in the trash. I wouldn't give them a dime.

Because of that situation it had lasting negative effects on me. I dealt with depression, having low-self esteem, my weight, and other things. I actually started to slowly turn around about 2 yrs ago. Of all places lol, I work in a high school, working as an administrative assistant, it actually motivated me to get back in college and finish and really go after my degree.

Seeing these students going through somewhat of what I went through, really struck home with me. I told them if you ever feel as though you are being bullied, the biggest mistake you can do is keep it bottled up. It only festers, never healing and the long term effects can be devestating.

So as the meeting was wrapping up and last words were being spoken by the counselor I couldn't help but think maybe if my situation had been nipped the bud earlier, how would I have turned out....

I can honestly say now though working at my present location has definitely given me a boost of confidence that I hadn't had in a long time. It also has given me back-bone and a stronger character to not take shit from anyone. I just wish the person I am now had been around back then. LOL but most likely I would've been expelled for kickin someone's ass, so maybe things happen for a reason......

After I left school I told my mom about what happened today, and she said maybe you should be an administrator and talk about Anti-bullying..hmmmm....I'm not sure if that would be my calling, but I do know that my students know.....if they have a problem, they know I have a ear for them to use;)

May 13, 2009

Just been one of those weeks

Well this has been an interesting week so far. I've been without a car since Monday. Car did some weird stuff like a big puff of smoke coming out the back, and then my car did some weird stuttering stuff. So I had to call AAA to come tow my car to my mechanic but luckily that place was just a less than half a mile away. So I've been getting to work courtesy of my mom these past few days.

Yet I can't complain after she picks me up we've been going out to Saint Peters to find new stuff for the kitchen. We kick it and have a good time. Laughing and talking. You know Mother and Daughter stuff.

For Mother's Day weekend, I put some furniture together for her, yea go ahead and laugh starting this past friday and didn't get done until this past Sunday. All I have to say is OUCH!!!. But on Saturday the family did take her out to eat at one of the casino's. On Sunday while I was putting furniture together, she cooked dinner, but don't worry I did give her a card and some money;)

May 5, 2009

one month to go

Well it's official, one month to go before school lets out. Boy I so cannot WAIT!!! I start a school course on the 18th, and I'm so proud of myself. I saved $180 on the book by shopping on instead of going to my College bookstore. I'm actually excited about getting back into school.

So beyond that nothing much is really going on, I've spring cleaned my office today and my room this weekend. I had to do some serious soul searching this weekend as well. I've unfortunately been really distant with my friends but I've been thinking on issues so seriously and severely that I it's been hard for me to concentrate sometimes no daily tasks.

Well, anyway, I try to enjoy myself every now and then with walks in the Loop and just reading a book. I'm not sure what to say......I'm just stuck in limbo right now. Not sure what my next move will be.
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