Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
August 11, 2012
May 13, 2012
Mother's Day - Every Day
momma preggers with ME!
As you might know or least you better know, this is Mother's Day. This day is observed officially on the U.S. Calendar every second Sunday in the month of May. Yesterday I brought in another item to "grace" my mom's kitchen to sit with the other endless appliances on her counter top that I seem to use more than she does. Yet she was excited and that was all that mattered.
This morning I woke up because my nose was doing it's normal twitching when something of a delicious scent hits. I then fully sit up and before leaving my room get my mother's day card together and take it downstairs to the kitchen where my mother has food going in full effect. I look at her and ask, "Why are you cooking?", she stated my dad was hungry and she preferred to cook versus our original plan of taking her out to Cracker Barrel for brunch. So I got into the trenches with her and helped out in anyway that I could. She is baking Cornish hens, making sweet potatoes, steam broccoli, roasting cauliflower, asparagus, and corn. Not to mention some brown rice is also on the menu. As usual when my mom cooks, she cooks a feast only fit for a queen.
As I was helping her out in the kitchen, The Morning show on CBS was on and a few of the anchors were talking about their mom's. How they were no longer around yet not a day passes by that they don't think about them. The said even with their mom's being gone for so long, one anchor her mom passed 14 years ago, another his mom passed over 30 years. My mom was nodding her head while cleaning the Cornish hens. She says, "Yep, I still miss my mom even after all this time, I think about her everyday", she then says, "I always wonder if there was something that we could have done to help prolong her life." I look at her while I'm cutting up some celery and nod to myself thinking as well.
I miss both my grandmas. I lost my dad's mom in 1992 and my mom's mom the day before my birthday in 1994. I look at some of my friends who still have their grandma's and I'm like, "wow".
Paternal grandparents
Maternal grandparents with one of their grandchildren
Yet also why I'm in the kitchen I can't help but think of 3 good friends who lost their mothers recently. One of my best friends lost her mom this past November, a former coworker lost her mom in December, and then another former coworker lost her mom this past March. I can't even begin to think how this day is affecting them. I wonder if they are thinking about the good times they had with them. Only thing I could think is that even though they might not be here anymore physically I hope they know that their mother's spirit will be them until they are reunited.
As I'm in my room right now typing up this blog post I can't wonder but think EVERYDAY should be Mother's Day. I'm not a mom, would like to be one eventually (I think), but I can't help but think and wonder in amazement how some of my friends and family members have been able to juggle so much responsibility and still come out with a smile on their faces that let you know they wouldn't trade a day of it for anything in the world. Women are amazing. Women carry life, bring it forth, and nurture from the day the child is born (with or without help) until the last breath they carry hoping to instill their values in their kids to be passed on to future generations.
I look at my own mother and think about her childhood living on a farm and how she went against the grain and received her bachelors in education in Mississippi in her twenties. She didn't receive her Masters from Fontbonne University until my sister and I were teenagers. She always put her family first even if it meant she had to go without or wait until the right time. For that I can't say thank you enough. My mother is a soldier, having beaten breast cancer back in 2005 and faced with the possibility for the first time that I my mom could possibly die. You haven't been through a possible nervous breakdown until you have had that reality shoved right in your face. She braved that battle by herself along with close friends and family members and came out on top. She has continued to be cancer free ever since.
Is my mother perfect? Hell no, but then I dare anyone to tell me that they haven't had arguments or disagreements. It's part of life. Would I trade her in for anything? Not even if you gave me the keys to Fort Knox. Is my mom the baddest mamma jamma in the world to me? Most definitely. She is by far one of the best lady dressers I have come across and I assure I have seen few. You have not seen a "strut" unless you have seen my mom in some heels. My sis and I have her to thank for those crazy sky high heels we wear. The way she carries herself, nothing short of royalty. Yet she has a heart full of gold and is always willing to help out.
If I ever have kids and I'm able to instill at least 1/2 of what my mother has taught me, I would say I'm off to a damn good start. Miss you Grandma Windom and Grandma Thomas.
Love you mama.
April 30, 2012
When is it time to let go?
Good morning to all. If you live in the Saint Louis, MO area then no doubt you are probably recovering from Saturday's Hail Storm that brought about the biggest pieces of hail that I have EVER seen. Besides that the weekend was for the most part quiet.
Yet yesterday I went with my mother to visit a friend of her's who was ill and in the hospital. I had the pleasure of meeting this lady and her husband last year at their home I think in UCity.... When I first entered their home I was just taken back by all the beautiful pictures, artwork (paintings and sculptures), and furniture. If I thought the first floor was something else, I was really in for a treat when I went downstairs to checkout their basement. You would have sworn it was a mini black history museum with even more photos with famous political figures and well known artists, more artwork, and more furniture that would just knock you out of your socks!
My mother would tell me stories about Mrs. Erlieen and how she was one of the baddest dressers back in her day around and how she "inspired" my mom to step her game up whenever she would go out. lol When I met her last year I was amazed that this 92 year old woman remembered me as a little girl and I sat with her on her couch and she would tell me stories about my mom and how they worked together at the old Southwest High School off of Kingshighway which is now known as the Central Visual and Performing Arts High School. I remember as a kid when I would go with my mom this beautiful mural that was painted in front which is now unfortunately gone. It was called Nouveau Rousseau named for after the French painter, Henry Rousseau. I was able to find some pictures of it though..
credit to: http://www.eco-absence.org/stl/swhs/
credit to: http://www.eco-absence.org/stl/swhs/
Her husband, Mr. Max, is also quite the character and is also in his nineties, I think 95. Yet he was walking around quite well and was full of hilarious stories. While Mrs. Erlieen unfortunately was having issues walking around and had to rely heavily on her walker. It was too funny when a friend of theirs came over and they told me beforehand they were going to try to play "matchmaker". I just laughed it off and when the visitor came over I looked at Mrs. Erlieen and asked her quietly in her ear, what she was thinking. The man had to be in AT LEAST in his fifties. lol We both had a good laughing spell after that.
When my mother and I were on our way out the door, her husband tried ONE more time to play matchmaker and at that point all I could do was laugh out loud and give him a hug. I told my mom we had to come back over and visit with them some more. Unfortunately we never made the time to do so until this weekend. My mom informed me that Mrs. Erlieen was in the hospital and I told her that I would like to see her. So yesterday afternoon, we made our way to St. Luke's Hospital out in Chesterfield. Her room was located in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) and we saw Mr. Max there along with a few other people, one of them my mother recognized. We couldn't see Mrs. Erlieen but we could hear her painful wailing behind the curtain to her room. Mr. Max informed us that she has internal bleeding and that the nurses were trying to alleviate her pain but the medicine they really wanted to give her they couldn't because of her heart condition. We had to put on special coverups with gloves before we could go into her room.
My mother and I had to wait around 15 min before we were allowed to see her and what greeted us made my heart break. The lady I met last year with her hair perfectly coiffed, nails done and gracious smile was no where in that room. What I saw was a woman who I barely recognized with tubes all around, in and out of consciousness, shivering, hair pulled back with a head band. I touched her on her shoulder and said her name a few times. She just shook her head from side to side. We spoke with her briefly for a few minutes and said my name to her and she repeated it a few times. My mom walked out before me. I tried to hold her hand but it was beneath so many covers. I rubbed her shoulder and then pulled the covers up around her neck. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and I told her I hope she feels better and leave the room.
The whole time we were in there. She was say various things over and over such as "Obama help me" , "Max, where are you Max" , "Lord help me". After I left the room the nurse informs us that we would need to move because they would be bringing in another patient that would be housed in the room right behind Mrs. Erlieen and they needed that space to bring in the patient. So as my mom and her friend were getting their things together I just stood across Mrs. Erlieen's room in the waiting area and my eyes start to tear up. When I saw her in that bed I thought about one of my grandmothers who was in the hospital back when she was sick before she passed. I thought to myself that will probably be one of the last times if not THE last time I see Mrs. Erlieen.
I wonder how much can she hang on in so much pain. She and Mr. Max have been married for over 60 years. That is a long time to be with someone. They never had kids and it wasn't that they didn't try, unfortunately it just was not meant to be for them. My mother's friend said that it seems that Mrs. Erlieen is in so much pain that maybe it's her time to go. Yet she is worried about Mr. Max because it doesn't seem that HE is ready to let her go. So I wonder to myself as we on one of the elevators to take us back to ground level, if I had a significant other and they were ill due to natural causes or some debilitating disease and they were in such pain, would I be able to let them go? Would it be selfish of me have try to keep them alive because I'm afraid to be without them?
Once I get back home I decide to take a drive out to Forest Park and just chillout at the Art Hill in front of the Art Museum. I take a book along and I read for a little while. Eventually I give up because a slight chill is starting to take away part of my focus, the scenery is so beautiful I'm trying to figure out how the hell am I actually reading a book, and folks are coming around and I enjoy "people watching". So after a while I make it back to my car and slowly drive out of Forest Park with some jazz music playing. I replay the day throughout my head and wonder to myself what this week will bring...
*UPDATE 5/1/12* My mom informed me once I got home today that Mrs. Erlieen passed away this morning. I had planned on seeing her yesterday after work but unfortunately was not able to. I hope she is resting with the angels and my prayers are with her husband.
February 8, 2012
Valentine Gift's FAIL
As Valentine's Day approaches I can't help but wonder what gifts might be given. Most women I know enjoy roses, candy, or even a romantic night on the town. Yet there are others who will be unfortunate to receive a gift/surprise and wish to God that they had not. I was thinking of a few that I will list. Please feel free to add to the list.
For Women
1. A gym membership (unless a previous conversation has hinted AND has been accepted as an acceptable gift.
2. A gift certificate to a place you know she does not go. (example: Lowes, Sear Hardware Department, unless AGAIN previous conversation has been held.)
3. A teddy bear such as the above picture with a similar or same message.
4. Any brown liquor that can be bought behind a Schmucks, Diebergs, or Shop N Save counter and comes with 2 free shot glasses that have the name of the liquor company on them. (example: Crown Royal, unless she is an alcoholic.)
5. A STD (Short Tiny D*ck) (Oh and the OTHER STD, the kind of gift you wish you had not received in the first place.)
For Men
1. A tie
2. A tease (especially if they felt from a previous conversation that they were gonna get some.)
3. The above options given for women from 1 through 5. Except for the first part of number 5 unless you roll that way.
4. Unwanted conversations about the "next step" in the relationship. How about enjoying "this step" today and making sure there aren't any "missteps" for next 24 hours.
Oh well, I've put my two cents in...
November 27, 2008
what love is....
Sometimes I wonder....no lets redo this....I always wonder about my life if I had done things differently. Lets say there is someone that your always thinking about and still love deeply but you both haven't talked in a while. I mean a really long time because of circumstances that happened a while back. You've known this person for a long time and your paths seem to cross from time to time.
Yet out of the blue they contact you and let you know things they feel about you. Yet after reading the message over and over again you wonder why they are contacting you now. You get together with that person one evening and meet up and when you look at them it's as though time hasn't passed in a way. You still get that same funny feeling in your gut, you get a little light-headed, your skin gets those little goosebumps with heat, and you just itch with ache to touch them. there like a drug (for lack of a better terminology) and withdrawal is a bitch when you've gone without for such a long time.
After talking with them from time to time which is measured more in days than in hours, you come to realize that most likely the life he has made for himself is quite permanent. Most likely there aren't anymore chances for you both. You still hold out hope but in the end it still comes back to where the ways things are in reality. Your analizye it from every angle possible and it keeps coming back at a crossroads. Do you hold out or do you move on?
Some people might say hold out you never know if the tide might turn. Others say move on enough time has passed and if things were going to end the way you wanted them to, it should have happened by now. Both possibilites hold weight, but sometimes I cry to myself and think, damn life can just be bitch. Sometimes I think should I stick it out and fight for what I want or just walk away and say it was a good time while it lasted even with all the bumps in the road.
I do know regardless of my decision there is one main thing I have learned about love......
Love is caring about someone so much that even if you love them with all your heart, even if they don't end up with you....you want them to be happy regardless.
That I can say is probably the hardest lesson I've learned so far.....
Yet out of the blue they contact you and let you know things they feel about you. Yet after reading the message over and over again you wonder why they are contacting you now. You get together with that person one evening and meet up and when you look at them it's as though time hasn't passed in a way. You still get that same funny feeling in your gut, you get a little light-headed, your skin gets those little goosebumps with heat, and you just itch with ache to touch them. there like a drug (for lack of a better terminology) and withdrawal is a bitch when you've gone without for such a long time.
After talking with them from time to time which is measured more in days than in hours, you come to realize that most likely the life he has made for himself is quite permanent. Most likely there aren't anymore chances for you both. You still hold out hope but in the end it still comes back to where the ways things are in reality. Your analizye it from every angle possible and it keeps coming back at a crossroads. Do you hold out or do you move on?
Some people might say hold out you never know if the tide might turn. Others say move on enough time has passed and if things were going to end the way you wanted them to, it should have happened by now. Both possibilites hold weight, but sometimes I cry to myself and think, damn life can just be bitch. Sometimes I think should I stick it out and fight for what I want or just walk away and say it was a good time while it lasted even with all the bumps in the road.
I do know regardless of my decision there is one main thing I have learned about love......
Love is caring about someone so much that even if you love them with all your heart, even if they don't end up with you....you want them to be happy regardless.
That I can say is probably the hardest lesson I've learned so far.....
May 24, 2007
closure
Well yesterday I had work, no surprise there. I still had not heard from Jeff regarding why he hadn't called me back from last night. So after work I go to Best Buy to pick out my new digital camera, a Sony HSC-H9. I chill out with Danielle for a while so we go to lunch at Ponderosa and talk. We get back to the store and I leave about 10 minutes later to head on back home. By this time it's about 5pm-ish and I head home still not hearing a word from Jeff. I had called my phone a few times and they went to voicemail. So then I thought to myself, well maybe he has his phone turned back on. So I had to track down his number in one of my old bills and tried it out. It worked. So you can imagine why is it that his phone works, mine is turned off, and the present bill on mine was not paid yet?
So I called and left a message. Called a few times after that and received no response. I then leave my room for a few minutes and realize I have a missed call. It was from him. I call him back and asked what the deal was and he stated something had come up. He states he has my phone ready and the rest of the money due to my mom and for my cellphone. I said I would be on my way, and get there within 20 minutes, he asked for me to pick him up a box of Grape Swishers, so I obliged.
I get there and he gives me the phone and the money to cover both for my phone and the rest due to my mom. I sit down to check out the phone and the battery is almost dead, which would explain why it went to voicemail earlier today. He's sitting on the floor uploading some CD's to his XBOX. We make some small talk and then he goes to his room, I realize his daughter is in there. So he comes out after a few minutes and I ask to go see her and he thinks for a few seconds and says yes.
So I go in the room and I see her stretched out on her belly and I call her name. She gets up and smiles and comes toward me. I pick her up and she gives me a hug. Her hair is in braids with beads on them and she just looked beautiful. We talked for a few minutes and then I heard Jeff come to the door and I told her to be good and have a goodnight. I put her back on the bed and left the room and sat back on the couch looking at pics of him and daughter.
Jeff then came out after me and sat back on my floor and asked me what's up. I couldn't talk immediately and then I finally said that I knew we had talked about not talking for a while as well as other things. Yet I felt that it was best for us not to talk anymore permanently. He asked me why and I told him how I felt. I felt that he knew that I still liked him and he even admitted that he knew as much. Yet he immediately became defensive and stated that this was my issue and not his problem. I told him that he should have been honest about the situation regarding other issues, yet he still didn't understand where I was coming from. He said more aggravating statements and all I could do was just look at the back of his head and think he was a real piece of work.
I realized at that moment that no matter how much I might love him, I could never be around him again. He had become my Achilles heel. I could never call him my friend at the least and honestly believe it anymore. I know that I have issues and even in his arguments I agreed up to a point. Yet the only thing worse than a person who has issues and can see them within themselves is a person that has their own faults, has yet to see them and can't take criticism when they are faced with them.
I scanned his apartment one last time. Then I got up from his couch and left. As I was going down the steps he slammed the door to his apartment and I slammed the door to his main entrance way. I got in my car and just zoned out as I made my way home.
Once I got home I powered up my phone and deleted everything from it that I could find. I even found some online album and ereased that as well. I turned the phone off and left it on the charger. I then played around with my new digital camera and then went to sleep.
I woke up around 3:45am and just chilled out in my room and I watched "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" A classic cartoon movie. Went back to sleep and then woke up around 5:30am. Then on TV, some movie with Madea (Tyler Perry) was on. For some reason I remembered a play I saw last Feb called "Madea goes to Jail". In it she states
I know this time around there won't be a few months to a 5-year hiatus till the next time. I won't close my eyes and count the hours, days, months, and years. This time my eyes are wide open, I'm gonna raise my hands, smile and be free.
So I called and left a message. Called a few times after that and received no response. I then leave my room for a few minutes and realize I have a missed call. It was from him. I call him back and asked what the deal was and he stated something had come up. He states he has my phone ready and the rest of the money due to my mom and for my cellphone. I said I would be on my way, and get there within 20 minutes, he asked for me to pick him up a box of Grape Swishers, so I obliged.
I get there and he gives me the phone and the money to cover both for my phone and the rest due to my mom. I sit down to check out the phone and the battery is almost dead, which would explain why it went to voicemail earlier today. He's sitting on the floor uploading some CD's to his XBOX. We make some small talk and then he goes to his room, I realize his daughter is in there. So he comes out after a few minutes and I ask to go see her and he thinks for a few seconds and says yes.
So I go in the room and I see her stretched out on her belly and I call her name. She gets up and smiles and comes toward me. I pick her up and she gives me a hug. Her hair is in braids with beads on them and she just looked beautiful. We talked for a few minutes and then I heard Jeff come to the door and I told her to be good and have a goodnight. I put her back on the bed and left the room and sat back on the couch looking at pics of him and daughter.
Jeff then came out after me and sat back on my floor and asked me what's up. I couldn't talk immediately and then I finally said that I knew we had talked about not talking for a while as well as other things. Yet I felt that it was best for us not to talk anymore permanently. He asked me why and I told him how I felt. I felt that he knew that I still liked him and he even admitted that he knew as much. Yet he immediately became defensive and stated that this was my issue and not his problem. I told him that he should have been honest about the situation regarding other issues, yet he still didn't understand where I was coming from. He said more aggravating statements and all I could do was just look at the back of his head and think he was a real piece of work.
I realized at that moment that no matter how much I might love him, I could never be around him again. He had become my Achilles heel. I could never call him my friend at the least and honestly believe it anymore. I know that I have issues and even in his arguments I agreed up to a point. Yet the only thing worse than a person who has issues and can see them within themselves is a person that has their own faults, has yet to see them and can't take criticism when they are faced with them.
I scanned his apartment one last time. Then I got up from his couch and left. As I was going down the steps he slammed the door to his apartment and I slammed the door to his main entrance way. I got in my car and just zoned out as I made my way home.
Once I got home I powered up my phone and deleted everything from it that I could find. I even found some online album and ereased that as well. I turned the phone off and left it on the charger. I then played around with my new digital camera and then went to sleep.
I woke up around 3:45am and just chilled out in my room and I watched "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" A classic cartoon movie. Went back to sleep and then woke up around 5:30am. Then on TV, some movie with Madea (Tyler Perry) was on. For some reason I remembered a play I saw last Feb called "Madea goes to Jail". In it she states
Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree.
What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away.There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go! Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That's the leaf people. They come to take.
Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it.
Finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don't care nothing about being seen. All they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That's what relationships should be about. That's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons.
If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you've got to LET THEM GO! When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. Again, I repeat with emphasis, if they don't meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might.
I know this time around there won't be a few months to a 5-year hiatus till the next time. I won't close my eyes and count the hours, days, months, and years. This time my eyes are wide open, I'm gonna raise my hands, smile and be free.
September 22, 2005
Time for healing?
Hello there and hope all is well in your neck of the woods. Yesterday I was at work at my cpu and I was getting ready to leave for the day, when something told me to check an old website of mine that I use to frequent alot back in the day. Some of you might know it, BLACKPLANET. I logged on and saw that I had new notes. Knowing I hadn't been on here in at least 2 to 3 years I decided it probably wasn't anything except just some silly ol advertisements. Yet I received a quite a shock to my system when I recognized a note from someone I hadn't spoken to in years. I just sat there and blinked my eyes for a couple of seconds thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me. The first thing I noticed was the date, it had been written late August and what shocked me was that if I had waited another week to check my notes, it would have been automatically deleted since notes only stay on the system for 30 days.
My head and palms immediately became sweaty because I couldn't figure out why this person was contacting me after all this time and the subject line of his note only said HEY. I clicked on it and just sat back as I read his brief paragraph to me. It was an apology for what happened in the past between us and how he treated me. He wasnt asking for anything but hoping i would forgive him. I broke down in tears and just held myself....shaking. In a way I felt a cloud lift off of my head that I had been trying to shake for the past 4 years.
All kind of things just started to run thru my head. My feelings for him, love and hate. Our past, and the heaven and hell it caused. I wonder deep down and inside could I ever forgive him? So I did what any person would do, I called one of my closest best friends and told her how I felt. There was so much I wanted to do with him and I felt that I had wasted so much time and things that I wanted with him I never would have the chance to do or have. He will always be my first love of that I will have no doubt but damn why is it so hard for me to find out whom will be my next if not the last? I was on my porch last night just crying and listening to her wisdom. She understood knowing the both of us and she told me that for me to move on I needed to heal and forgive him. Yet it is easier said than done.
This was the person I loved more than myself and maybe that was my mistake. I put him before me. Throughout the years he's haunted my thoughts and my dreams. I still wondered how he was doing and if he was okay. Even after all the bullshit he put me through I still cared about him and loved him. Yet I know things could never go back to the way they were. Everything had gone too far south with us to ever make it the way it was. I have changed into a different person, as well as he has. Honestly I don't know how I would act if I saw him. Would I even acknowledge him or just pass him up as though he were a figment of my imagination? Maybe I would want to give him a hug because I loved the way he held me, but at the same time I wouldn't want him to touch me because of the way he would shun me. I wouldn't even know how to start a conversation with him, I would just probaby look at him and my mouth would just stay rigid or maybe it might go slack. If I did start a convo with him I guess the most important thing I would bring up would just be................why?
What do I miss about him? His smile(beautiful lips), his eyes (drowning in chocolate and eyebrows to match), his nose (perfect angle), his laugh (sexy baritone boom of a voice), his voice (the way he would whisper in my ear), his physical presence (I felt safe), the mole on his chin (the way i would blink my eyelashes and tickle him), the way we would hold each other, the way he would kiss me (either passionate and fast or slow and lazy), his body (the man was built perfect, I won't lie, he had a beautiful backside, a perfect model for a sculpting class),the way we were intimate (physically and mentally), but most importantly the way he used to be one of my best friends (talking either on the phone or face to face for hours). I have to acknowlege the past to go thru the present and be ready for my future. I just wonder will my future be ready for me or vice versa?
Forewarning to the next man I give my heart to:
Treat me with the respect I deserve, not what you deem is sufficent. Treat me as a treasure for I am no man's hand me down. Know that you have a WOMAN (not a chicken head, a gold digga or some dumb ass heffa) who will have your back, but don't EVER take me for granted for when that time has come, I will be there no more. If you do not want my heart anymore, PLEASE give it back to me the way you found it, without any bruises or bumps, I didn't ask for them. I will have more respect for you letting me know FIRST how you feel rather than thru the grapvine. I don't ask for material things for someone to show there love for me. Just love me for who I am and you will recieve back 100 hundred fold.
My head and palms immediately became sweaty because I couldn't figure out why this person was contacting me after all this time and the subject line of his note only said HEY. I clicked on it and just sat back as I read his brief paragraph to me. It was an apology for what happened in the past between us and how he treated me. He wasnt asking for anything but hoping i would forgive him. I broke down in tears and just held myself....shaking. In a way I felt a cloud lift off of my head that I had been trying to shake for the past 4 years.
All kind of things just started to run thru my head. My feelings for him, love and hate. Our past, and the heaven and hell it caused. I wonder deep down and inside could I ever forgive him? So I did what any person would do, I called one of my closest best friends and told her how I felt. There was so much I wanted to do with him and I felt that I had wasted so much time and things that I wanted with him I never would have the chance to do or have. He will always be my first love of that I will have no doubt but damn why is it so hard for me to find out whom will be my next if not the last? I was on my porch last night just crying and listening to her wisdom. She understood knowing the both of us and she told me that for me to move on I needed to heal and forgive him. Yet it is easier said than done.
This was the person I loved more than myself and maybe that was my mistake. I put him before me. Throughout the years he's haunted my thoughts and my dreams. I still wondered how he was doing and if he was okay. Even after all the bullshit he put me through I still cared about him and loved him. Yet I know things could never go back to the way they were. Everything had gone too far south with us to ever make it the way it was. I have changed into a different person, as well as he has. Honestly I don't know how I would act if I saw him. Would I even acknowledge him or just pass him up as though he were a figment of my imagination? Maybe I would want to give him a hug because I loved the way he held me, but at the same time I wouldn't want him to touch me because of the way he would shun me. I wouldn't even know how to start a conversation with him, I would just probaby look at him and my mouth would just stay rigid or maybe it might go slack. If I did start a convo with him I guess the most important thing I would bring up would just be................why?
What do I miss about him? His smile(beautiful lips), his eyes (drowning in chocolate and eyebrows to match), his nose (perfect angle), his laugh (sexy baritone boom of a voice), his voice (the way he would whisper in my ear), his physical presence (I felt safe), the mole on his chin (the way i would blink my eyelashes and tickle him), the way we would hold each other, the way he would kiss me (either passionate and fast or slow and lazy), his body (the man was built perfect, I won't lie, he had a beautiful backside, a perfect model for a sculpting class),the way we were intimate (physically and mentally), but most importantly the way he used to be one of my best friends (talking either on the phone or face to face for hours). I have to acknowlege the past to go thru the present and be ready for my future. I just wonder will my future be ready for me or vice versa?
Forewarning to the next man I give my heart to:
Treat me with the respect I deserve, not what you deem is sufficent. Treat me as a treasure for I am no man's hand me down. Know that you have a WOMAN (not a chicken head, a gold digga or some dumb ass heffa) who will have your back, but don't EVER take me for granted for when that time has come, I will be there no more. If you do not want my heart anymore, PLEASE give it back to me the way you found it, without any bruises or bumps, I didn't ask for them. I will have more respect for you letting me know FIRST how you feel rather than thru the grapvine. I don't ask for material things for someone to show there love for me. Just love me for who I am and you will recieve back 100 hundred fold.
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