The Twelve Days of Christmas Update
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Today's global challenges require the North Pole continually to look for
better, more competitive measures. Effective immediately,
the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of
Christmas program :
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to
be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine
who the birds have been calling, and how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology
stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will
assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retained to learn some new strokes, and therefore
enhance their out placement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback
on new music, and no uniforms will produce saving which will drop right to
the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. It we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing )
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White program to see if seven dwarfs is
the right number.
Happy Holidays
Santa
