September 22, 2005

Time for healing?

Hello there and hope all is well in your neck of the woods. Yesterday I was at work at my cpu and I was getting ready to leave for the day, when something told me to check an old website of mine that I use to frequent alot back in the day. Some of you might know it, BLACKPLANET. I logged on and saw that I had new notes. Knowing I hadn't been on here in at least 2 to 3 years I decided it probably wasn't anything except just some silly ol advertisements. Yet I received a quite a shock to my system when I recognized a note from someone I hadn't spoken to in years. I just sat there and blinked my eyes for a couple of seconds thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me. The first thing I noticed was the date, it had been written late August and what shocked me was that if I had waited another week to check my notes, it would have been automatically deleted since notes only stay on the system for 30 days.

My head and palms immediately became sweaty because I couldn't figure out why this person was contacting me after all this time and the subject line of his note only said HEY. I clicked on it and just sat back as I read his brief paragraph to me. It was an apology for what happened in the past between us and how he treated me. He wasnt asking for anything but hoping i would forgive him. I broke down in tears and just held myself....shaking. In a way I felt a cloud lift off of my head that I had been trying to shake for the past 4 years.

All kind of things just started to run thru my head. My feelings for him, love and hate. Our past, and the heaven and hell it caused. I wonder deep down and inside could I ever forgive him? So I did what any person would do, I called one of my closest best friends and told her how I felt. There was so much I wanted to do with him and I felt that I had wasted so much time and things that I wanted with him I never would have the chance to do or have. He will always be my first love of that I will have no doubt but damn why is it so hard for me to find out whom will be my next if not the last? I was on my porch last night just crying and listening to her wisdom. She understood knowing the both of us and she told me that for me to move on I needed to heal and forgive him. Yet it is easier said than done.

This was the person I loved more than myself and maybe that was my mistake. I put him before me. Throughout the years he's haunted my thoughts and my dreams. I still wondered how he was doing and if he was okay. Even after all the bullshit he put me through I still cared about him and loved him. Yet I know things could never go back to the way they were. Everything had gone too far south with us to ever make it the way it was. I have changed into a different person, as well as he has. Honestly I don't know how I would act if I saw him. Would I even acknowledge him or just pass him up as though he were a figment of my imagination? Maybe I would want to give him a hug because I loved the way he held me, but at the same time I wouldn't want him to touch me because of the way he would shun me. I wouldn't even know how to start a conversation with him, I would just probaby look at him and my mouth would just stay rigid or maybe it might go slack. If I did start a convo with him I guess the most important thing I would bring up would just be................why?

What do I miss about him? His smile(beautiful lips), his eyes (drowning in chocolate and eyebrows to match), his nose (perfect angle), his laugh (sexy baritone boom of a voice), his voice (the way he would whisper in my ear), his physical presence (I felt safe), the mole on his chin (the way i would blink my eyelashes and tickle him), the way we would hold each other, the way he would kiss me (either passionate and fast or slow and lazy), his body (the man was built perfect, I won't lie, he had a beautiful backside, a perfect model for a sculpting class),the way we were intimate (physically and mentally), but most importantly the way he used to be one of my best friends (talking either on the phone or face to face for hours). I have to acknowlege the past to go thru the present and be ready for my future. I just wonder will my future be ready for me or vice versa?

Forewarning to the next man I give my heart to:

Treat me with the respect I deserve, not what you deem is sufficent. Treat me as a treasure for I am no man's hand me down. Know that you have a WOMAN (not a chicken head, a gold digga or some dumb ass heffa) who will have your back, but don't EVER take me for granted for when that time has come, I will be there no more. If you do not want my heart anymore, PLEASE give it back to me the way you found it, without any bruises or bumps, I didn't ask for them. I will have more respect for you letting me know FIRST how you feel rather than thru the grapvine. I don't ask for material things for someone to show there love for me. Just love me for who I am and you will recieve back 100 hundred fold.
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