September 4, 2013

When you need a friend

This past weekend was pretty good but busy. I went to an amazing Health seminar hosted by former radio DJ Selena J with main speaker +Shawn Stevenson . The seminar was from 9am to 2pm and I tell ya I enjoyed every bit of it. There were various vendors there and even saw a friend of mine there, +Carlos Nelson and we sat together listening and taking in the stories and lessons. Heck I even won a prize and had my picture taken with Selena J as well:) In fact yesterday I downloaded all of Shawn's podcasts and plan on listening to them this week.


 On Sunday I grilled up some ribs, pork steaks, chicken, and hotdogs for Labor Day. Afterwards I was busy doing stuff around the house and pretty much stayed in for the day. Then on Labor Day I was a hermit and stayed in, wasn't feeling too hot so I didn't venture out at all.

Yesterday around 4pm I received a phone call from one of my best friends. We talked for a good 30 minutes about me and I tell you it brought tears to my eyes because I told her how I was doing and feeling. She told me that I was smart and I needed to step out on my own and take chances. She's right but I get so frustrated because I get so clouded up with doubt and fear. I feel at times I am my own worse enemy. I see worst cast scenarios in my head.

She told me how much she admired me and I thought, How and Why.  When she told me the reasons it made my knees buckle and I just sat on the edge of my bed and cried some more. I wondered how is it other people see so much in me that I can't seem to see in myself. After we said our goodbyes I turned off everything in my room. My tv, laptop, even my lights, anything that would be distraction and just laid out on my bed and stared at the ceiling. 

I tried to think back through the years, looking at all my mistakes. Then I stopped and wondered why do I always keep looking back. That time is gone and I can't get it back. I have to look at the future because I still have time to carve out what I want. I get angry from time to time because I feel at my age that I should be successful with my own. Yet I look where I am and I just feel defeated. A friend of mine once told me, The only time it's too late is when you are dead. So I guess I better start living, because Lord knows I am sick and tired of just existing.

Until the next episode....

 All That MsJazz
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