October 24, 2022

What is on the other side of fear?


So what is on the other side of fear? Safety, security, and just knowing that what was boring yesterday will be still boring the next day. Everyday I wake up and wonder what my life would have been like had I not gotten screwed up in my high school years. I'm currently 43 years old and I keep telling myself that it's not too late to reinvent myself. Yet I honestly wonder if I have the mental capacity to even bother trying. There are various demons I feel that I need to conquer but damn I wonder where to start.

I purchase so many self-help books with the intention of reading them but don't recall if I have even started reading one. I look at myself and wonder what is it that makes me happy. I realize that I unfortunately don't really know myself because I have been so busy reliving the trauma that happened to me back in my high school years. When I think of something that I might want to do that is outside the norm for me I feel a wave of doubt and fear. I instantly think that I can't do it. I think I'm not pretty enough to pursue other goals or smart to purse others. 

Yet I am trying so hard to change. I'm back in school to finish my Associate's degree in Business Administration. More so to prove to myself that I can finish something that I started. Even if it's taken me over 20 years to complete it. Yet who knows what the heck I can do with it. I'm back in the gym working out. I've lost 30 pounds so far but I feel like I'm at a plateau. Yet I know deep down I haven't really given it 100% like I did at first. I think it's because I'm afraid of change. I'm so used to be ignored and written off due to my looks. I just blend in with the wallpaper I always have in my head what I would like to look like and whom I would like to be. I guess it's just being scared of change.

If I could redo my life I would have become an actress with a photography business on the side. Yep that would have been my life. I would have left Saint Louis, MO and just gone somewhere else new and started fresh. 

I think the fear I have is that I feel that I'm too old to start fresh. It's hard to think that someone can revamp or renew themselves. Every time I look in the mirror I see someone else, the person I wanted to become. The person that I am is not what I had for myself. My mind refuses to accept it as reality, but I feel my reality is so hard to change.

Fear is so gripping to me that I feel that if I fail that I'll go off a cliff in ways. Yet when I do beat something I feel like I can conquer the fucking world. Perfect example, I'm 2 classes away from completing my Associates degree. I'm currently taking Business Statistics which I consider the Devil's math. Like honestly if this math was a physical entity I would kick it in the balls. I was so close to giving up on this class because I just couldn't understand it. I even went out to the Math Lab out at Meramec Community college only to find it had closed for the day. When I say my mind went to a dark wasn't good. I honestly wanted to just withdraw and say fuck my degree. School isn't for everyone.

Yet I decided to go against my fear and go to the Forest Park Community College Math Lab on a Saturday and met an amazing woman who has been tutoring me for the past few months. She has been a lifesaver. If it hadn't been for her I would have given up and dropped the class. I'm learning that I can't do everything by myself. I'm so used to trying to figure out things for myself without asking for help. I feel weak if I ask for help but don't have any issue if anyone asks for mine. 

My photography business is not where I want it to be. I have severe self doubt about my skills and what I really want it to really become. I'm always looking at other photographer websites and it just simply makes me feel inadequate at what I do. I've read videos and books on improving but it just doesn't seem to connect for me. This is mainly regarding my portrait photography. 

Relationship wise the biggest thing I did was end a relationship with someone I cared for and made a priority but realized that I was only an option in there life. Closing that chapter has hurt but it has also brought blessings in other ways. I've learned that I need to work on myself if I want to be happy and not expect happiness to be supplied anyone else.

There are other things I want to improve on my life. It just seems like an endless list. Yet I fear just keeps gripping me and I have a hard time figuring how to let go and just say fuck it. Because what is on the other side of fear is not living. It's just surviving. I also know I need to let go of other people's expectations of me. I feel that has gripped me in a way for a very long time as well. I've always been worried about what people think. I know that has contributed to my fear as well.

I still hold out hope for myself, yet I realize it will take a lot more than hope to overcome my fears. 

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