May 19, 2006

Boy when it rains it pours

Boy when it rains it pours

Well today is Friday and I’m at work 6:20 A.M. I’ve been thinking about some issues that have been on my mind lately. As you know from my chronicles that my mom beat Breast Cancer, and for your information I will be taking part in the St. Louis’ ninth annual Susan G. Komen Foundation Race for the Cure on June 10 which will be held downtown.

I found out last week that one of her older sister’s, my Aunt Ora, who could almost pass for my mom’s twin, was diagnosed with colon cancer. Now I know cancer and heart issues run pretty strong in our family, especially on my mother’s side. I lost my maternal grandmother to stomach and pancreas cancer on my birthday in 1994. My grandfather passed that same year on Thanksgiving. Not the kind of year I envisioned having. Her brother, my Uncle Lindell had colon cancer around 10 years ago, but his was detected early and his treatment was successful. I know many extended family members and friends who have succumbed to various cancer diseases.

I’m worried about my Aunt Ora because she has been through a lot lately with her husband being in the hospital for the past couple of months because of serious health issues. He has lost his short term memory and he’s become extremely violent with people. It was to the point they had to admit him to the hospital for observation. She complains about pain in other parts of her body and my mom hopes that it hasn’t spread to other organs. She talks about possibly taking some time off and going to California to be with her.

I just wonder how much one family can take and why. My heart goes out to my Aunt Ora’s children and grandchildren. She has two, both older than me and I know it wasn’t easy hearing the news. I should know, when my mom told me she had breast cancer I though my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I still don’t know how I made it through the day. I still think about that day too but thankfully not as often. When I found out about my Aunt, I just went to my room and just sat on the bed. My eyes became teary and I thought this can’t be happening again.

Another issue that ties into this is my weight. I’m losing this weight because I don’t want to have any health issues that might become greater as I become older. I deserve to enjoy my life and whomever I decided to share my life deserves the fullest from me as well. For example, I’m not going to marry someone who smokes or drinks excessively aka KEITH BROWN (yuck!!!!). Chances are if you’ve been doing it for a long time your lungs and liver are shot to hell. You only short change yourself and why put your spouse through the pain and stress of seeing you suffer.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not ignorant to the point that I believe even if you don’t do any harm to your body that you still wont’ get sick. What I’m saying is that I don’t want to be with someone that would WILLINGLY put there body at risk and in harm’s way. Now if you have quit doing something that you shouldn’t be doing then good for you. For example I know 3 of my co-workers, 1 from job #1 and 2 from job #2, that stopped smoking. They feel so much better; they said they have their taste buds back, just feel in a way like a whole new person.

Now I know someone who unfortunately smokes and drinks WAY TOO MUCH. It’s to the point I can smell the liquor from his pores before I even SEE HIM. This of course would be Keith, you know, Danielle’s housemate. He keeps asking me why I won’t go out with him. I told him that NOBODY would go out with him on so many levels, but one of those levels happens to be he smokes and drinks way too much. I can’t even stand to be close to him because of the odor. Not to mention he becomes a tad bit aggressive when he’s drunk.

For example, some months back when we were all over at Danielle and his house, and I made dinner for everyone. Well I was pissed because I was playing Spades and Keith was my partner. We should have technically won but he kept fucking up and had the nerve to say before the game that he wanted another partner because he didn’t think I could play. Well I was playin just fine and of course Keith with his mouth kept talking shit and wouldn’t be quiet. After we lost because of his huge fuck up I just looked like I wanted to kill him. I go into the kitchen to make sure the food is okay, do you know this fool had the nerve to make a bet about something I cannot go into detail unfortunately on here. He then proceeds to ask me out, I told him we all go out as a GROUP all the time. I turn to walk away, he grabs my wrist and won’t let go, I look at him and tell him he needs to chill out. He keeps pursing the matter to the point it starts to bother me. I again turn away and his hand tightens on my wrist. NOW I’m pissed. I looked him in the eye and got real close. “If you don’t take your hand off of me right now, I will kick your ass and to hell if your Manager from YOUR job is standing in the next room”. Needless to say he backed off yet he kept creeping me out because as I went back into the dining to watch the next card game, he kept staring at me and standing or sitting next to me. I just got the point where I just told everyone I was going home. Kamina and Danielle knew something wasn’t right and just stared at me. I got my shit and walked out the door, do you know that ass had the nerve to come out side and say, “You know we going out eventually right?” By this time I get to my car, and I turned to him and say, “When hell freezes over.” I can’t imagine how Danielle puts up with it.

Another issue that has been on my mind has been my ex. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but for some time now I will go to sleep and I’ll be having some weird ass dreams. I know I’m not smoking anything illegal or otherwise so I don’t know what the phuck….It seems so weird also that I’ve known in the past that if my girls want to go out to club, there are times I don’t feel like going. Yea well for some strange reason those are the same nights my friends will tell me that they ran into him. Not to mention my younger sis has seen him as well. Don’t get it twisted I’m definitely not a Shaman (Indian Foreteller) I just wonder what the hell they mean or if they mean anything at all.

Some dreams I’m sitting in the grass in a beautiful field underneath a huge tree. I’m sitting in a cotton dress with the buttons in the front and I’m leaning back on the tree. Out of no where comes a red and black shuttle bug (for those who used to ride Bi-State Bus WAY back in the day there used to be red and black shuttle bus that used to go thru Forest Park and some other areas. Since it was painted to look like a lady bug it was known as the SHUTTLE BUG, boy the memories on that bus hahaha.)

Ok back to my story, So the bus pulls up and the door opens. I can’t see the person’s face because the bus is a ways off and he is wearing a cap on his head. We are staring at each other for a long time and then this person starts to walk towards me. He doesn’t immediately start walking exactly, at least not at first. He takes some steps forward kind of like he’s nervous to approach me. So I stand up and wave to him. He raises his hand in response and continues to walk towards me. I can still tell in his approach to me that he still doesn’t know if walking towards me is a good idea. His hands are in his pockets and his gaze is still on the grass. As we come closer he still won’t let his head up. I stop walking and so does he. He looks up and I see a pair of chocolate eyes that I haven’t been drowned in over 5 years. He walks those final steps and stands before me. We just stare at each other and I’m looking at him as though he can’t be real.

I look at him and shake my head no, I slowly back up and turn around. He comes up from behind me and embraces me. All my anguish and tears just pour out and where my tears fall, flowers spring up. They spread in a circle around us. Then I notice some movement from behind the big tree that I was leaning on originally. It’s a lil girl and she is running around the tree smiling and laughing. My ex and I go back towards the tree and we sit. What we talk about I can never seem to remember, because at the point that we are back at the tree with the lil girl, I seem to get “sucked” out of the dream like a vacuum. Weirdest thing ever I swear. Like I said I have this dream on and off about 2 times a week for the past couple of months ever since February. Yet that is just one of my dreams. My other’s I’ll have to keep to myself, they are more like flashbacks from our past. Those I dream about from time to time. Yet again like I said before they are just dreams they probably don’t mean anything so I don’t dwell on them to make sense.

Oh well, I hope your day is pleasant. I’m at work right now and when I get off around 4pm, I plan on HOPEFULLY picking up my bride’s maid dress for Amy’s wedding and around 6:30p.m. will meet a friend for some Racquetball action and who knows what else. Today is payday, ANYTHING is possible. LOLOL take care and god bless;)

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