October 3, 2012

-Hunger- #30WriteNow October Writing Challenge

If I was to talk about food right now I could go on for hours....About how much I love Italian food, especially pasta dripping in fettuccine sauce, large battered butterfly shrimp the size of my palm, cheese garlic piled on Texas styled toast that when you pulled apart looked like a bridge of nothing but good ole cheesiness or the fact that when it comes to pizza I can only go to one restaurant in all of Saint Louis, MO {Taylana's} that makes it just the way I love it. Chicago style-deep dish with white creamy sauce with layers of Italian sausage piping hot brought right to my table. Ugh....but I digress these are memories from months long ago when I wasn't thinking about myself in a good way. 

For me, food was my way to cope with my personal issues. If I was upset about something I would eat and then I wouldn't have to think about it for that moment in time when I was distracted by not only the food but also by whatever book I was reading. It was weird.  I would go to restaurant to get away from my issues, order what I wanted to eat and then when my food would come to the table I would read my book as a distraction from the fact that I was eating the food......Yea I know...nuts.

A few years ago when I was doing great with my last weight loss attempt I noticed I was getting smaller and at that point I actually had lost 50 pounds. My face, bust, waist, and behind were all getting smaller. I started to relax in my discipline and think oh I can go back and eat what I used to but as long as I go workout I'll be ok. That is such B.S. Then other things started to happen to me and I was back into another depressed state, within a few months I had not only gained the weight I had lost, but also an additional 20 on top of that. Now when I look back on that time I realized that there was something else that bothered me. Fear. I was seeing this different person in the mirror and I was uncomfortable with her. I always was looking for her physically when I would workout but when I finally starting coming to terms that I might just accomplish my goal, unfortunately mentally and emotionally I wasn't ready for it. I was so used to be a wallflower when going out, keeping my head down and being ignored by other people. When I started losing the weight I noticed people paying attention to me and it freaked me out.

This year I decided on a few things. I wanted to cut my hair because I was sick and tired of relaxers and looking at my hair and feeling as though it was thinning out. So I did a big chop in May of this year. Was I scared? damn right. But I felt that I need to start fresh with myself. I was hungry for a change in my life. I also had decided this year that I was fed up with not being happy and satisfied with myself. There is a difference between being around and living your life. I felt I have "been around" for far too long and I'm ready to start living. I realized that I had to let some things (my bad comfort foods and fear) and some people (who only had their own personal interests in mind) go in my life that were not adding to my overall growth and happiness.

I've been reading Think and Grow Thin, by Charles D'Angelo. I tell ya this book has been an eye opener. What I find fascinating about it is that it makes you really look at yourself and find out why you having the issues that you have. For me I associated food with depression. He doesn't even talk about the foods he would recommend you eat until chapter 8, page 113. He wants you to first understand yourself mentally and emotionally before he helps you physically. I have been underlining ALOT in this book.

Now my weight is not my only issue. I also am still struggling with finding myself in regards to what I want to do with my life. I want to get back into college and finish up but of course I still have issues on what I want to do. Confusion is such a clusterf*ck especially with me. I want to be on my own and call my own shots. I want to be financially secure. It's an ongoing battle with me to make myself believe that I can do and achieve what I want to believe. Am I hungry for change? Every damn day. But I realize that I have to take it one day at a time if I want to see that change.


Until the next episode....

 All That MsJazz

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