March 9, 2006

Thoughts for the day...

Thoughts for the day……….

I’m at my desk right now just thinking on anything and everything that passes thru. I wonder to myself. Why am I in a place that doesn’t make me smile….it pays the bills. I’ve been thinking about getting back into school. If there is anything I have learned from being at this job that I know I don’t want to be here permanently. I know that they have a tuition assistance program and I am thinking about using that to help with school. My cousin who also works with me apparently is taking advantage of the program so I will need to talk with him to get further info.

Outside the weather is dark and rainy. Just the way I like it. I just don’t like to DRIVE in the damn weather that’s all;) Right now, I’m at my desk with my headphones on jamming to my music. I like to listen to Matt Bachrach who is a fabulous piano player. I can’t say ENOUGH about this man. He gets me through my days here at the job; it helps to listen to music so I don’t remember as much that I’m pretty isolated from my coworkers.

I would say as far as work goes these days, I just punch in do my damn business and punch out. We are pretty much on lock down with using internet for any reason except for business purposes. Sometimes I feel as though I’m in a prison except,  I have my area that I’m confined to but at the same time it acts as a barrier to those I don’t want to get into my Private space.

Sometimes I will just stare off into space and wonder about the things I wish I had done right in my life. I just shake my head and think have I made a stink of my life for some bigger purpose or did I miss my big chance. Most of the time I just hope it’s not to late to really do something with my life. I know it’s probably weird to talk like this and I’m only 27 year’s old but to me I don’t think so. Everyday when I wake up I wonder am I wasting away another day on something I loathe to do?

Another subject that gets at me from time to time is relationships. I’m so used to being on my own that I don’t know if I will ever be ready or even willing for that matter to test the waters on this tricky issue. I’m so used to just doing things by myself and of course trust is still somewhat an issue. I do occasionally date from time to time, but it’s maybe once a month if I ever do. I’m used to going to a movie or even dinner by myself that it doesn’t faze me. My family and friend’s worry that I’m depressed and I know that I am, just to what extent is what bothers me.

I’m used to just going to a book store and staying there for hours at a time because reading for me is a way for me to just “get away” and not have to deal with what is going on in my reality for the time being. I just wonder sometimes if I use it as a crutch rather than deal with my issues head on. Other days I just like curling up on my bed with my laptop and just surf the net. Sometimes I wonder if I will just end up being an old maid, not get married or have kids. Yet the funny thing is I’m not in a hurry to be a wife or mother.

If there is one thing I have been able to draw a conclusion is that I am definitely not your average person. I don’t think of myself as normal which I am proud of. I find myself to be a unique person with my sense of style which can range from being classy to being comfortable. I’m not a flashy person and don’t have to be the talk of anything. Yet I know people are drawn to me because of my attitude.

I don’t know I just wonder will I ever be truly happy and if so, will I notice happiness when it’s staring me in the face?
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