January 29, 2013

Get me off this Merry Go Round

What can I say. I have issues. My mind is a constant merry go round. I'm 33 years old and I still live at home. I don't have any view of where my life is going. My sister has gotten further in her life than I have. sometimes I honestly don't think I have a purpose. I feel like I should plan more of a bucket list than anything else. The only thing I have on it, is to just clean up my credit and that be the end of it. My attention span is short. I can't seem to stay focused on things. I guess I am a victim of instant gratification instead slow and steady wins the race.

I'm sick and tired of feeling like a loser. I go to work and I think about all the different things I wanted to do and be and I see myself as nothing but a loser. I dont like myself. I wonder if I ever will. I'm not a natural beauty and I'm not talking about my hair. I look at myself and even I feel like scare myself. I have a hard looking face. My natural hair which I am learning about has now slowly become somewhat of a nightmare. Lord knows I'm trying to learn about it but as it gets longer my patience is somewhat getting shorter. Every time I come home I feel like I'm entering a prison. I know i shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I see everyone else moving on with their lives and their careers but you can still find me after all these years still living at home with my parents. Deep down its an embarrassment.

I haven't had a boyfriend since high school, HIGH SCHOOL. I don't think I'll ever find anyone. Yet at the same time I wonder do I want to. I'm so used to doing things by myself that i don't even think its awkward anymore to do things solo that some might consider only doing on a date or with a group of friends, such as taking in dinner at a nice restaurant or going to the movies.
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