September 14, 2015

Turning over a new leaf

I told myself I wasn't going to write about it this because I just wanted to be done with this part of my life and just start a new chapter. Yet it's been nagging me for quite some time so I figured I needed to get my thoughts out onto the screen through my keyboard so it will stop bugging me. Hell that is what my blog is for.

About a month ago I was suppose to go out with a friend. He had asked me out around two weeks in advance and I was excited to spend some time with him because I wasn't able to the way I wish. He and I have history, going back since 1994. I cared about him a lot, was I in love? Yea I was. We had our periods throughout our lives when we didn't have contact but somehow we would always reconnect back up. I think honestly that is why I didn't really pursue dating anyone else because I still had him in my heart.

Then the day of our date came and needless to say, I was let down, again. I spent the day/evening getting myself together. We were suppose to go to the Chocolate Bar and enjoy some desserts. Communication was sparse with him the whole day. By the time 9pm came around I knew I had been played the fool again. I should have known better. I was so disappointed I was on the verge of taking off my outfit and just crawling up in my bed and cry. Instead I looked in the mirror and thought I looked too damn good to just waste an awesome outfit just because my date was a bust. So I went out to the Chocolate Bar that late Saturday night and asked for a small table for one.

Why they gave me the table right dead smack into the walk through area into the bigger room I can only imagine. But I'm glad it happened. When I walked into the Chocolate Bar I was nervous. I don't know why. I'm so used to doing things and going out by myself, it's second nature to me. Yet while being there that evening, it really made me feel self conscious about myself. I ordered a hot chocolate and a double scoop of ice cream, Strawberry and Raspberry. As I was partaking of my desserts I could see the groups of people and couples around me. Laughing up a storm and enjoying themselves.

At times I wanted to tear up and think why have I continued to care about someone who never even showed me the same level of kindness. I realized at that moment that I was done being in love with someone who didn't care about me. I was in love with the image that I had projected about that person, not paying attention to the clues and obvious issues that were right in front of my face. I realized while sipping my hot chocolate that was burning my tongue that I had gone above and beyond for someone who I've cared for over almost two/thirds of my life and whom has never gone out of their way for me.

 I've put my life on hold in regards to pursing relationships with other people because I knew I hadn't gotten over my feelings for this particular guy. Well that was then. As I was draining the last remnants of my Hot Coco and last scoops of my ice cream, my feelings for him changed. I can't really describe it except to say that an icy calm came over me. Then my skin start get Goosebumps and I felt my head was so hot that I thought I was going to catch fire like a Phoenix. I was done. I am done. I am through feeling like I am not good enough or that there are problems with me.

After my self evaluation and revelation while at the Chocolate Bar I went home, slipped into my pj's and watched tv until I dozed off. I didn't get a response from him about why he didn't call me back until that Monday. All I could think of was not only didn't you call to keep me informed that Saturday night, you didn't even bother to contact me until Monday to let me know what had happened. I didn't respond back. I had nothing to say. Even though they were family related issues I still felt that there is still a common courtesy owed when you make plans with someone. I was sick and tired of being an after thought. I realized that was all I would ever be to him. I deserve better.

I'm trying to change the course of my life so that I'm happy. I'm back in therapy and honestly feel that has helped. I'm back in college and trying to purse my degree, I've been going to the gym fives days out of the week with the encouragement and help of my mom. I'm trying to immerse myself more with my business and also with learning more about photography. I miss not having the energy to go out with my friends. I miss being able to fit cute clothing. I miss being happy. I miss having self-confidence. I miss being me.

Is it easy to shut and close out a chapter of my life that has been open for over 20 something years? Nope but I'm determined deal with it head on, one day at a time.

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