I am my own worst enemy. How do you overcome the self-destructiveness of yourself? Every time I have a good or even great idea about something, my mind can come up with least twice as many reasons that my idea is not good enough and will fail.
My mind is like a prison that I just can't seem to break out of and my insecurities and self-doubts are the wardens.
How do you stop a never ending cycle of self-hate? How do you shut your mind down and just tell it to shut the fuck up? This year has been very trying for me. My business has been doing better, slowly improving but getting better. I'm starting to do more with learning about photography and even yesterday I finally took my camera to Manual mode and took a few snaps. Was pretty pleased. After doing all the reading I could do in regards to learning about my camera, just a few days it finally clicked to me the relationship that Apeture, ISO, and Shutter speed have in relation to each other. You would have thought I had solved world peace. lol
Yet even after I was happy with that discovery I could feel the mental bricks starting to hit me over the head in regards to what I could possibly do with my camera. Do I want to get better with it? Absolutely, but when it comes to how I seem to always be at a lost. I have ideas in my head in what I would like to do, but where to start is just the mother of all phuck ups. I want to learn Adobe Photoshop and Lightroom but it just feels like a foreign lanuage to me. Then the self doubts just pour in abundance and all I can do is just get in my bed and go to sleep.
This July I went to Lindenwood University and The Arts Institute of Saint Louis to check out options in regards to transferring out of Saint Louis Community College because I had brought up my GPA to allow for being transferred out to a 4 year college but also they had informed me that I had my Associates also in General Credits. So I felt that I needed to look into the next step in regards to my education. My sister graduated with a Bachelors in Business Administration from Lindenwood University last year and she recommended I look into them especially since they offer cluster classes. I also happen to see that the The Arts Institute of Saint Louis was also near by and decided to visit both campuses.
I enjoyed Lindenwood's campus because of the options for flexibility in regards to my job. I keep thinking a Business Administration degree would be great for helping me with the business I have know and who knows what other business ventures I might do in the future. Yet then I went to the The Arts Institute of Saint Louis and I could have just gone insane because it was just the campus of my dreams in regards to the classes that they offered. If I went there I could get a Bachelors in Photography. I love looking at pictures and wonder how people were able to create them. Not just a picture using Adobe Photoshop but even pictures from back in the 1950's. Being able to capture a moment and give it a life forever. I also want to learn about videography. I love looking through the B&H catelogs and just checking out the latest equipment. In fact when I went to the Arts Institute of Saint Louis and went on my tour I thought I was going to pass out from the green screen room and the storage area they had for photography equipment. I was in absolute bliss!
I was so excited I couldn't think of anything else that day. Then reality crept back up after finding out how much tuition was for the Institute ($70,000) and also even for Lindenwood ($30,000). So I did the next step and filled out my FAFSA form. So I don't have any any loans and have never used grants for my education. So I thought maybe that might count for something when applying. NOPE, didn't qualify for any grants. So I'm thinking how in the hell am I going to qualify for loans even though I know my credit isn't the best and I'm on the road to trying fix that as well.
All of this is just staring me in the face and I'm just feeling like I just can't deal. I know I'm not dumb, at least that is what I try to tell myself. I keep thinking maybe if I was normally I would have been successful with my life.
-Have my college degree (hell at this point A DEGREE)
-Move out on my own
-Better credit status
-Improve my small business
-Learn and advance with photography, start my photography project
-Just be fucking happy
My dream would be to travel the world. Pack a camera bag and just fly like the wind. Yet unfortunately all I feel like is a metal weight that is just further sinking.
I finally called my therapist out of the blue a few weeks ago to set up an appointment to meet with her next week. I had not seen her in over 5 years. I honestly don't recall how I remembered her name, it just popped in my head.
I'ts a shame really. With as much negative energy I have in my head and surrounding me, I feel as though if I could turn it into a positive energy. I would be absolutely brilliant and unfucking stoppable. Yet how do you stop yourself from destroying.....yourself?
I have to also point out and want to give a big apology to my friends who want to spend time with me more than I'm able to do so. I honestly feel my spirit is just so 'done' and don't want to be around other people at times. As much as I want to kick it with them, I just become so exhausted with my thoughts and I'm just not of use to anyone.