May 22, 2007
That time......
It's amazing how the time flies when you wish for it to slow down and stop or at others just fast forward to the end. I guess you can figure out which way I want this to go right? I just want it to fast forward to 7pm, have my talk with Jeff and then relax with a bottle of Marco. My brain is just ready to unload all this crap that is just waiting to get out. I feel once this is over with, I will have a lighter head as well as heart.
this morning
This morning I woke up suddenly in a sweat about 1am and couldnt go back to sleep till about close to 4am. I sat up in my room at honestly thought about today and what I would be dealin with. As I type this, I'm obviously a tad bit sleepy but also nervous. As my previous post stated, I'll be bringing closure to a situation that has had an impact on me in such a way that I feel as though I need to step away. What is weird is that this won't be the first time that I've stepped away. Hell the first time was the longest of any of them. But that doesn't mean it won't hurt as much. Yet this time I need to let my feelings and voice be heard so when I step away this time, I won't have regrets.
May 21, 2007
graduation of me
Well, today was just another day. Tomorrow the high school I work at will have their Senior Graduation around 6pm. Even though I won't be attending, they know that I wish them nothing but the best. For myself, my own personal graduation is up and coming as well. The term graduation has many different meanings. For most it means to complete an academic exercise in which diplomas are conferred. For which I relate this term I call it more of completion of a program of study. For me, that study is just that, myself.
For quite sometime I've had deal with issues, both inner and external. These issues in one way are another have somewhat hindered me in becoming the person that I wish to be and see in myself. As I come to terms with whom I want to be, I understand that there are somethings that I need to let go of and stand back from whether it be temporarly or permantly. Somethings might be easy while others are understandly hard. Some people say, all the love you give to world doesn't mean shit unless you love yourself. And it especially isn't easy if all you feel as though all you give is taken without it being reciprocated.
As I go through my course of study and take care to pick the classes that will most benefit me throughout my life, I have already picked up one lesson. Learn to listen. Listen to what a person is saying to you even if you might not agree with them. I felt that I did that today with the 3 people that I spoke with. Yet I know the main thing I need to work on is my response especially on one conversation today, I hindered on it and wish I had handled it differently. Hopefully tomorrow I will and it will help me graduate into the person I wish to become.
For quite sometime I've had deal with issues, both inner and external. These issues in one way are another have somewhat hindered me in becoming the person that I wish to be and see in myself. As I come to terms with whom I want to be, I understand that there are somethings that I need to let go of and stand back from whether it be temporarly or permantly. Somethings might be easy while others are understandly hard. Some people say, all the love you give to world doesn't mean shit unless you love yourself. And it especially isn't easy if all you feel as though all you give is taken without it being reciprocated.
As I go through my course of study and take care to pick the classes that will most benefit me throughout my life, I have already picked up one lesson. Learn to listen. Listen to what a person is saying to you even if you might not agree with them. I felt that I did that today with the 3 people that I spoke with. Yet I know the main thing I need to work on is my response especially on one conversation today, I hindered on it and wish I had handled it differently. Hopefully tomorrow I will and it will help me graduate into the person I wish to become.
May 18, 2007
When life gives you lemons
When life gives you lemons, they say make lemonade. Yet if life just seems to bring headaches, confusion, and turmoil…what the hell can you make out of that. Last night I went to the Galleria and just walked around. Went in a few shops but just pretty much was zoned out. Went to the movies that evening and saw 28 WEEKS LATER. It was pretty good and I enjoyed myself. I received a voicemail while I was in the movie theater but I didn’t have a signal to check it at the moment.
I checked it once I left the mall going towards my car and had a feeling I knew who it was coming from. My hunch was correct and the person and I talked for about 5 minutes tops. The mood of the conversation was just….cordial. We hadn’t talked in a while and he wondered why I hadn’t called as well as some other business between us. I gave my response at least on yesterday that he was supposed to call but he didn’t.
He then informed me that he was going out of town for a few days. We then said our goodbyes and I got in my car and made the trek home. As I was on the highway I kept thinking about all the things that I’ve had stirring in my mind over the past month regarding the person I was just on the phone with.
I guess for me there have been changes that have been happening on both ends. For me I’ve started to realize that brass can’t be cleaned and polished to be mistaken for gold. These past weeks/months, I’ve been going over and over in my mind about different events that have happened. Many issues have arisen where I knew I should have let bygones be bygones, cut my losses and set myself free. Yet it’s not easy when you love someone. Pure in simple. Yet it became easier for me, because of one incident.
There is nothing worse to feel when you care about someone and even when you are holding them, they are thinking about someone else. It cuts you like a knife. You can’t help who you love, and that goes for anyone. Yet one thing I will NOT be is a stand-in, a substitute, runner-up, or a consolation prize. To be any of those items means, I don’t have enough self-respect for myself and damn if it doesn’t hurt. For me I had to finally take a HUGE step back and look at myself and go back over all the different incidents that have criss crossed and shaped my life with this individual being involved.
We had our share of good times but it just seems to me in the past couple of months, I feel as though when I’m in his company, I’m there mainly for one thing which at one time I was cool with, we don’t talk like we used to unless it’s a rare moment. I feel he has this wall around him and there’s no door. Yet other people get to see a part of him that I’ve been shut out from.
I guess I’m just too tired to worry and care anymore. I’m a good person, fuck that I’m a WONDERFUL person. I deserve someone who will appreciate me, ALL of me. Mentally, Physically, and other things as well. I may not be perfect, I can only be me, so that’s why I’ve been distant to this person and I guess in a way I’ve been distant with a lot of people. Yet to some of the others I do apologize because they have been there when I have been at my lowest. I need to get back to being myself, the person who was HAPPY and SILLY all the time.
Not the person who breaks down in tears from a drop of a dime because she’s depressed.
Not the person who gets headaches because she can’t help but think about the negative things I her life.
Not the person who looks in the mirror and wonders where the years have gone.
Not the person who wonders if she will EVER find any peace.
I need to get back to the person that would hang out with her friends and call them up to see how they are doing, instead of them majority of the time having to call me.
I need to get back into doing active things with my life whether it is a walk around the neighborhood or some sports.
I need to get OUT and meet people and stop being such an introvert (of course easier said than done)
I need to get back to the person who will finish college and prove to herself that she’s not a failure and can finish what-ever she starts. Even if it does take over 10 years to do so.
Point blank, I need to get back to ME, I need to start doing ME, being happy with MYSELF, and saying FUCK the rest if you can’t put that in YOUR schedule.
I checked it once I left the mall going towards my car and had a feeling I knew who it was coming from. My hunch was correct and the person and I talked for about 5 minutes tops. The mood of the conversation was just….cordial. We hadn’t talked in a while and he wondered why I hadn’t called as well as some other business between us. I gave my response at least on yesterday that he was supposed to call but he didn’t.
He then informed me that he was going out of town for a few days. We then said our goodbyes and I got in my car and made the trek home. As I was on the highway I kept thinking about all the things that I’ve had stirring in my mind over the past month regarding the person I was just on the phone with.
I guess for me there have been changes that have been happening on both ends. For me I’ve started to realize that brass can’t be cleaned and polished to be mistaken for gold. These past weeks/months, I’ve been going over and over in my mind about different events that have happened. Many issues have arisen where I knew I should have let bygones be bygones, cut my losses and set myself free. Yet it’s not easy when you love someone. Pure in simple. Yet it became easier for me, because of one incident.
There is nothing worse to feel when you care about someone and even when you are holding them, they are thinking about someone else. It cuts you like a knife. You can’t help who you love, and that goes for anyone. Yet one thing I will NOT be is a stand-in, a substitute, runner-up, or a consolation prize. To be any of those items means, I don’t have enough self-respect for myself and damn if it doesn’t hurt. For me I had to finally take a HUGE step back and look at myself and go back over all the different incidents that have criss crossed and shaped my life with this individual being involved.
We had our share of good times but it just seems to me in the past couple of months, I feel as though when I’m in his company, I’m there mainly for one thing which at one time I was cool with, we don’t talk like we used to unless it’s a rare moment. I feel he has this wall around him and there’s no door. Yet other people get to see a part of him that I’ve been shut out from.
I guess I’m just too tired to worry and care anymore. I’m a good person, fuck that I’m a WONDERFUL person. I deserve someone who will appreciate me, ALL of me. Mentally, Physically, and other things as well. I may not be perfect, I can only be me, so that’s why I’ve been distant to this person and I guess in a way I’ve been distant with a lot of people. Yet to some of the others I do apologize because they have been there when I have been at my lowest. I need to get back to being myself, the person who was HAPPY and SILLY all the time.
Not the person who breaks down in tears from a drop of a dime because she’s depressed.
Not the person who gets headaches because she can’t help but think about the negative things I her life.
Not the person who looks in the mirror and wonders where the years have gone.
Not the person who wonders if she will EVER find any peace.
I need to get back to the person that would hang out with her friends and call them up to see how they are doing, instead of them majority of the time having to call me.
I need to get back into doing active things with my life whether it is a walk around the neighborhood or some sports.
I need to get OUT and meet people and stop being such an introvert (of course easier said than done)
I need to get back to the person who will finish college and prove to herself that she’s not a failure and can finish what-ever she starts. Even if it does take over 10 years to do so.
Point blank, I need to get back to ME, I need to start doing ME, being happy with MYSELF, and saying FUCK the rest if you can’t put that in YOUR schedule.
May 2, 2007
when ya head hurts
My head had been hurting for a few weeks in regards to a certain situation. When I don't feel anymore can be done about it, I just have to write it off as a loss. Yet this particular situation isn't a thing, it's a person. I wrote more about this situation on my MYSPACE blog but made it private. So I'm debating if I want to put the info on this blog, yet I should right? I mean this is my main blog right here.
Yet sometimes I wonder if I should air all my laundry but for me it helps mentally so I can deal with the situation and it helps me move forward. Point blank when it comes to matter of the heart always think with your mind first. Because if you don't your heart will pay for it later.
Yet sometimes I wonder if I should air all my laundry but for me it helps mentally so I can deal with the situation and it helps me move forward. Point blank when it comes to matter of the heart always think with your mind first. Because if you don't your heart will pay for it later.
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